Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Mixed messages

It's not often you feel sorry for the average Daily Mail reader but today's coverage of the electoral change referendum must have left them scratching heads in confusion.

What the headline appears to be saying is that if we change (Which must be bad - unless it's a change back to something that involves regaining the right to murder or molest someone weaker than yourself in which case it's way over due) then the BNP will have more say. And although this is being portrayed as a nasty thing, deep down inside there's a lot of readers who are giggling like little school girls at the thought.

On the other hand voting Yes - according to David and/or Ed Milliband would be good for progressive parties. This means more squeezing of tax payers and free plasma TVs for unmarried crack whores. So that's a bad thing.

What to do?

Is it Ant or Dec?

In fairness the point being made is a legitimate one. Will changing to AV affect the lot of smaller parties in a positive or negative manner? I personally think it will mean less chance of them getting elected as they're unlikely ever to command the support of more than 50% of the electorate's second or third choices.

This isn't the concern being raised by this article though, the worry here is that after voting for the BNP and seeing them binned alongside the other monster raving loonies their supporters second choice will be taken into consideration, thereby giving the knuckle-draggers two votes.

This is a deliberate misunderstanding of the way AV works propagated by the No campaign. If no candidate is worthy of the support of half of the voters, in effect, another vote is called for with the real dross - and they must be bad - eliminated (Think X-factor). In reality this would be a nightmare to administer and cost a fortune and as no one's making money from a premium phone line it's not going to happen. So instead an imaginary one takes place.

In this imaginary vote it's assumed if your favourite candidate is still in the running you'll vote for them again. If your boy's been evicted you can choose who to vote for from the remaining chancers or not bother. If at the end of this vote someone's mustered up half the voters support they win, if not some other loser's kicked out and we go for a second imaginary vote.

So whenever someone's second preference is counted you've also had a vote counted again if you backed someone still in the game. Either no one gets two votes or everyone gets two votes, or three or four votes...

That's quite conceptual and takes some thinking about and so it's easy to spread the lie that some people will get two or three bites at the voting cherry and others only one.

I think it's clear that the Mail will be supporting the No campaign on the basis that AV will offer less opportunity for a landslide Conservative government - or a landslide any government to be fair. In addition it will set a precedent for electoral change that could set us down the road to proportional representation, and god-forbid we should ever get the government we voted for.

The biggest clue to the Mail's opinion comes in paragraph two.

Really? Continental style is it? The greasy frogs do this do they, and the krauts eh? Probably the EUSSR (See what I did there?) forcing it on us. Well I'll not let it happen not while there's breath in my body.

Of course it's bullshit though. The only continent using this system is Australia, that's what they must mean and I'm sure everyone reading it would be made aware of that at some point. Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Stupid Fat Get

Minority Thought's already pointed put what the "BNP's recruiting sergeant" thinks about drowning Japanese children (Seems there are worse things...) but if you plough further through his rants about imams dressing as lady Gaga and his lack of opinion about Libya you'll find yourself a pearl of racism / stereotyping that gives you the impression he's been doing research (Yeah that's likely) by watching cine-films of Love thy neighbour.

They are Siamese if you please, they are Siamese so you drown them...
It seems Mr Littlejohn was a bit put out that he missed the furore around Midsomer Murders as this was right up his street. Had he been in the office I'm pretty sure it'd have felt like Christmas (Had it not been banned by communist vegan bisexuals fighting for to stop the oppression of turkeys by Paxo).

Oh what we can't all be white together now? If I want to wear a pillow case and set fire to my carpentry project in my own back garden etc etc...

Luckily for him though an opportunity to have his say on the subject was presented by the bestowing of a post-code on the Olympic stadium; E20 - the same as Eastenders. That's a TV show too, and it's set where some of those bloody foreigners live. Fire up the typewriter there's rights to be wronged.

The Eastend has a high proportion of muslims, or as some people like to call them terrorists, yet the TV show has white people in it who are poor and downtrodden probably because of that. It is on the right-on BBC and although it did have some gays in it - and they're a bit like muslims or terrorists somehow - Ross Kemp does fight the Taliban in his spare time away from the square. Tricky, how is it possible weave this complex stereotyping into a fluid narrative. 

You know what, I've a new found respect for the talented journalist. It's quite a tricky subject matter to get your head around and not quite as simple as demonising someone and blaming them for all your problems like I first thought. You need to be able to offer up numerous targets to allow as many prejudices as possible to percolate through and leave the reader in no doubt that somewhere, somehow there's someone out to get you 'cos they're all evil bastards and you're alright John. That's worth £700,000 a year of anyone's money.

Barbara gets the Littlejohn world treatment.
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Saturday, 19 March 2011

I do it Yes times a day

The Daily Mail is not afraid to ask the big questions, or the nonsensical ones. How much TV should your children be watching? Obviously less than the poor, but more than the aloof children of high court judges.

There has to be a happy medium somewhere, probably the best way to decide this is a poll. Let's do it, in the name of science (Not Global warming science, the other sort that proves cancer's caused by paying 50% tax or something). The Mail has embarked on such a momentous study.

I have two children (in a cupboard somewhere) one aged Yes, one aged No. Which one should have its own TV?

According to the wise readership the answer is...

Yes by a country mile.

I'm sorry Jeffery son you can't have your own TV, in your dank mouldy cupboard, until you come of age and can count off Yes birthdays. Something to look forward to I feel, until that day you sit and watch Jeremy Kyle mock the poor with me. Best Blogger Tips

Thursday, 17 March 2011

The Random Telegraph

Interested, as ever, to find out how our glorious leader wants to treat the NHS, or maybe wants us to believe he'll treat the NHS ("I haven't sold it to Sodexo!") I clicked on the headline below without reading the small introduction...

I was delighted! Instead of the promises to make the NHS world-class by introducing excessive competition (after all it worked so well with Telecoms, Gas, Electricity, Trains, Busses etc etc) I was instead treated to a quietly surreal article about agriculture and urban fox attacks being debated in parliament.  I heartily recommend it! Best Blogger Tips

Mutton (Jeff & dressed as lamb)

I've spoken before about Liz Jones' decent into senility and it appears she's sharing more and more of her old age problems with the Mail's readers.

In today's paper she bemoans the posh people accent used by the presenter's on Radio 4. This is a fairly routine complaint, no one likes to be sneered at by the upper classes, but I don't think it's class oppression that's driving her anger. She hates chavs too, here's her celebrating the fall in sales at poor people's clobberer Primark.
Finally, Primark is on the slide Liz celebrates outside their Romford Flagship store

But it's not only the posh broadcaster Andrew Marr who gets her goat she doesn't like call centre accents either, struggles to hear what they're saying. Oh and shop assistants they can't make themselves clear either.

It seems like everyone's mumbling doesn't it Liz. I'm afraid it's either your old age catching up with you - time to invest in a deaf aid maybe?

Or maybe she just can't understand anyone who doesn't sing in the Welsh tones of her forefathers. It's a well known fact that Liz herself actually speaks in a delicate Welsh accent, like wot Windsor Davies does after a night of the brandy & cigars. Boyo.

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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

One day I'll shove this little piece of Blackpool rock right where....

++    Adored by millions, but George Formby's buck-toothed smile hid a life of misery at the hands of his frigid, domineering wife  ++ 

50 years ago this month the late great yet slightly scary George Formby strummed his Ukulele for the last time.  What better way to mark this than for the DM to celebrate his life by having a pop at his missus for being a cow or something.
" The truth was that, for almost 40 years, Formby was locked in an unhappy marriage to Beryl, who ruled him with a rod of iron. A tyrannical, domineering woman, Beryl was not just his spouse but also his manager. Through her vicious tongue, icy glares and savage willpower, she terrified George.

She would not let him have a drink in a pub or go out for dinner with male friends. She governed all the finances and gave him just five shillings (25p) a week pocket money. "

+ Paul from Barnstaple has the right sort of idea;  "Great entertainer, and inventor, I love our George Formby grill."

+ Creepy from Crawley has taken his research from a definitive source before commenting;  "It's always been well known that his wife was Hitler in Knickers. There was even a scene in "Goodnight Sweetheart" all about it."

Not wishing to disrespect the buck-toothed loon, but you can get it straight from the horses mouth here:

Thanks to GG for finding this gem!
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Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Take your medicine...

...Andy needs a new pair of shoes.

But unfortunately he's come up against a rabid left wing conspiracy theory to land him in trouble with his masters.

Those commie dogs the BMA (Think NUM with a guillotine) have dared to speak out against his plan to make the NHS great again by letting the lowest bidder put their instrument up your ass.

According to our friends at the Mail the 'most powerful trade union in the health service' have had the audacity to point out that none of the stuff Andy wants to do was mentioned by either the conservatives or the Lib Dems in their election manifestos. In fact the Lib Dem are particularly peeved, so much so that even Nasty-Nick had to say out loud that privatising the NHS is bad.

Who the hell do these cowboys think they are eh? And what do they know? They don't represent all the doctors in the country, only about 140,000 of them (There's about 220,000 Doctors in the UK and about 110,000 work for the NHS) and as a spokesman for the Dept of health says "The BMA's own survey shows their position is not representative of many of their members"

He's right the BMA's own survey of their members shows about a fifth of doctors broadly support the proposals, however over a third are against the ideas. In fact even amongst the supporters less than half of them think it will lead to a more effective health service and over half think it will lead to them spending less time with patients. Maybe that's the incentive for the pro-reformers. I wouldn't want to spend all that time studying hard only to have to waste each day listening to fat old men complaining about chest pains and then have to stick my finger up his bum.

So that's why a minority of patient-avoiding doctors would be happy with the changes oh that coupled with the Guardian's thoughts they might get paid a bit more, but why is Andy Lansley gagging for the change?

It can't be that he's getting money from a private healthcare company could it? No of course not, he's not a bent politician only in it for himself. They only exist in foreign lands, he's from Essex a county with a reputation for honesty. That's why there's so many second hand car dealers in Romford.

It's a coincidence that Care UK - a private healthcare company that's spent £3m on a clinic providing ultrasound diagnostics to anyone who wants to pay for them and another £2m for a specialist eating disorder clinic in the first two months of this year, just in time for an opening up of the NHS to private healthcare companies - gave him over £20,000 to spend on curtains for his office.

So obviously he's not doing this because he's corrupt. No he's doing it because he's a bastard.
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Monday, 14 March 2011

He's just a love machine

Unless he's employed as a lady's fun-stick - and looking at him I don't think he is - what's this man's jigidy-jigidy prowess got to do with him not bothering to work? Best Blogger Tips

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Is he a liar AND an idiot ?

James Dellingpole not only believes in witchcraft but also apparently seems to think it's fair to use the horrendous events in Japan to support his oil fuelled "Fear, uncertainty, doubt" campaign against climate change.

His petroleum paymasters must be especially proud that he's managed to both insert an little more F.U.D. into the debate but also do it by making anyone who is against the oil dollars look as evil as Hitler's best man.

This is what James quotes Staffan Nilsson (president of an EU offshoot called the European Economic and Social Committee.) as saying:

And this is what the press release actually says:

He then goes on to quote a series of blogs to show that "warmists" blame the earthquake / tsunami on too many 747's flying across the Atlantic.  The same strategy has been taken (Perhaps unsurprisingly) by Fox too, both seem to have got the idea from the Daily Caller. (A website founded by a man called Tucker Carlson, a man who thinks that the bombing of the Rainbow Warrior and subsequent drowning of Fernando Pereira was just a bit of honest to goodness vandalism.)

It only takes a second to look round the shite I post on here to realise Blogs are not a place to get a representative view of the real world. 

Could it be that he has he fabricated a quote, and then backed it up by ctrl C / ctrl V - ing nutjob blogs into his published column?

Has he done this because ESSO / BP / Mobile / George Bush has dropped him a couple of quid to confuse anyone who worries that daffodils seem to be coming up earlier every year? Very unlikely, after all no one's shown us any evidence of this. So we'll just have to assume he didn't buy his house with Tiger-tokens, and he hasn't got a Saudi diplomatic passport in case a prostitute ever gets killed in his cellar.

Oh, and he thinks a glass of water would cure his herpes (if he had it, and I don't think he has) Best Blogger Tips

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Country Flummoxed

If the words "This question is left intentionally blank" leave you bewildered then you're not alone. According to the Mail the whole of the UK (with the exception of the Welsh) is walking around gibbering at a new unfathomable mystery for Arthur C Clarke to investigate.

Opening their census English & Scottish morons have been left crying into their cocoa-pops when reaching the 17th question.

Question 16 - Yep check filled that in with ease, no cause for concern. Question 17?? Help help - it doesn't want to know anything?? It's intentionally blank, did they mean that to happen? What could be going on. It's all getting too much for me. Now where's that bottle of Windolene (Buckfast for the Scots of course) I need to drink my troubles away.

This isn't the first time the census has scared the hard of thinking. It seems it all got a little too much for a sensitive Canadian ex-pat ten years ago.

The tale of  institutional racism that left poor old Justin unbelievably offended will, no doubt, be swept under the carpet by the PC / 'Uman rights / "Elf n safety gone mad brigade that seem to run our once proud British, no no sorry not British, English nation.

Where's Dick Littleboys when you need him?
Defending Crackpot's  since time began
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Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Oh I see...

I couldn't understand why the Daily Mail was showing such an interest in Jessie J. I think she's alright, but very much Radio 1 material, and even seemingly taken seriously as an upcoming artiste (Like an artist, but involves more coke) and song writer.

She's definitely attractive, and in that 'Goldilocks zone' for the Mail being in between too fat & too thin, but really she could have been almost any pop star. So why has she started appearing at the right hand side of Mail-online so often?

Oh I see, it turns out she's experimenting with bisexuality. They knew that all along eh? They've been building her profile over the last few months so when the titilating news was ready to break their readers actually knew who she was.

Picture the scene those few months ago in the office...

"Breaking news lads! I've got a bit of a touch on, Jessie J drinks from the furry cup. Fire up the presses."


"Oh right we need to put some work in up front before we drop this bombshell."

Many Bloggers have noted the Mail's obsession with Suri Cruise. I believe they know something already and are waiting to drop the bombshell...

On a completely unrelated subject here's a funny video.

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Tuesday, 8 March 2011

This man's a genius

Alex Brummer the Mail's city editor has been hiding his light under a bushel, to what end maybe we'll never know, but hidden it's been until now.
Sounds a bit like...
He's finally decided it's best if he lets us know how to get businesses going in ten simple steps, which I'll paraphrase for your education below. Prosperity here we come...

The short version
1. Abolish the equality act.

The French may believe in Liberty, Equality & Fraternity but they shouldn't be forcing this socialist rubbish down our necks. Brown / Gay / Disabled / Female / Thick people don't deserve as much money as me. 

2. Tear up National wage bargaining

Sorry forgot the Northerners in number 1. They can do one too. Money belongs in the home counties and that's where it must stay. Southern nurses are brill, northern ones probably don't wash their hands.

3. Cut Corporation tax

I made that cash the hard way, with my bare hands, by ringing up a Chinese bloke I found on Alibaba.com and getting him to ship me a container load of plastic tat that I'd flogged onto a retard I met in the bookies before it had passed Suez. That's hard work right there. Why should I pay tax? If I keep the money and spend it on rent boys, chintz curtains and jackets for your cat it'll trickle down to the pikey poor eventually, and in the mean time at least my siamese will keep warm.

4. Divorce Britain from European employment law

If she gets knocked up surely she can drop the kid in her dinner hour and still pick up my newly laundered Y-front from the dry cleaners. They manage it in Chinese paddy fields (Well not the dry cleaner collection stuff, just the going back to work in a reasonable time frame) Actually that said please refer to number 1 she'd have never been given the job in the first place. So instead lets drop the working time directive. My logistics company could employ far fewer drivers, and make more money for me to invest in Kitty-Koats, if drivers were allowed to keep on Truckin' like in the good old days where it'd take something more manly that a tachograph to stop them. A school bus for instance.

5. Abolish the 50p tax bracket for earners above £150,000

If you really want to redistribute wealth don't overlook the power of pet clothing. Drop this evil daylight robbery and the land will be flooded with very rich men creating thousands of jobs for factories in India and shipping the waste to Africa. Think how much happier we will all be as more and more Ferraris are sold to non-footballers.

6. End the climate change tax lie

I'll be long dead by the time either climate change has any dramatic life-threatening effects, or we run out of oil, so why has it got anything to do with me? Anyway didn't one "Scientist' once spell Antarctica wrong in a text to his mum? Well there you go then, it's all just a scam to keep them in new white coats or something.

7. Kill the National Insurance rise

I'm in BUPA. If you get ill that's your problem. Unless I knock you over in my experimental off-road Lamborghini in which case you've got bigger problems mate. That metallic lilac paint job wasn't cheap and now my bonnet's covered in your blood.

8. Education reforms

The poor are too thick to work, or over qualified with degrees they'll never use. They should be taught to say "Yes boss, yes boss!" and know that a peanut will roll down the chute if they do good then be sent out to earn a living.

9. A real bonfire of the Quangos

Bloody National Trust. If I want to convert a country house into a lap dancing club for the sexually adventurous wildlife lovers of my Masonic lodge I should be able to. It would have made a fortune. Look at the tax the treasury is missing out on (Not withstanding points 7, 6, 5 & 3).

10. Radically reform the banks

The banks should lend more money to businesses. In fact everybody should be lending more money. I've money sat around not earning any interest. I could set up a website to lend money to the poor (They are the world's greediest beggars - always bleating about wanting more money to waste on Plasma TVs and Holidays in Benidorm) they could pay me back when they can at a very reasonable rate of 1737% APR or I'll burn their shacks down.

And that is the answer to this country's financial woes. Vote Brummer  for Kitty-koats and easy money for all.
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Thursday, 3 March 2011

Murdoch's bitch

The culture secretary, Jeremy hunt, today made good on his election promise to Rupert Murdoch.

After promising him the opportunity to buy BskyB if he brought out his empire behind the conservatives they were nearly scuppered when not as many people as they thought trusted them. This put Vince Cable in the way of Rupert's plans.

He was soon dealt with and moved along, like a loitering teenager, to allow Jeremy (rhyming slang) Hunt to do as they promised. (some people say the deal was done at the same restaurant Tony & Gordon made their deal, and they ordered swan burgers and baby fingers. Not me though, I don't believe a word of it.)

The Huntster promised he'd abide by Ofcom's request to refer for s competition review but that was before Rupert's masterstroke.

In return for not giving the decision to someone outside his clammy Australian grip he'd sell off the controversial sky news section to some idiot (rolling news isn't the most profitable business, look how crap the ads are) but keep a few people on the board.

He'd allow editorial freedom but pay to keep the news channel going and in fact it wouldn't really be his as he'd only own about forty prevent of the shares.

What's likely to happen is sky news will be left to die to be replaced by fox news. Fair and balanced my arse.

I wonder how much mr Hunt gets paid?

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange Best Blogger Tips

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Scientists? Pah, what do they know?

No James it can't.

Taking pretend tablets while your body repairs itself is not Homeopathy working, it's your body repairing itself while you're giving wads of cash to either a charlatan or a well meaning divvy.

The reason people are shocked when you tell them you're an idiot (I believe you phrase it something along the lines of "Homeopathy can offer something to help better your health) is that they imagine you're a journalist and probably went to university. You might even have read a book and so it's safe to assume you should have a modicum of intelligence.

And yet you continue to disappoint them.

Your defence of this bunch of arse grapes rests on the fact that scientists don't yet know everything. They do however know that, regularly, Homeopathy fails to show any significant difference to a sugar pill in trials. People cleverer than me have been pointing this out for some time. So there is positive evidence of a failure to produce any beneficial effects.

You argue that in the past we used to be wrong about three things so why not Homeopathy?

"Until the 1880s, the experts would have laughed in your face if you’d suggested that malaria was caused by anything other than the miasma of foul air that emanated from swamps.

Until the Seventies, you’d have been ridiculed for positing that stomach ulcers were caused by a bacterium; until 1934, nobody even suspected that the major part of the universe might comprise something called ‘dark matter’."

What happened was they tested these ideas, found them to be wanting and so changed their world view.

Homeopathy has been tested. It's been found to be wanting. It's only the slow witted and cynical conmen that are still to change their world view.

Which is Mr Dellingpole?
Homer-pathy. I'm sick of him.

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Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Cut / Paste = Good business sense


36% Cut and 30% pasted from Allan Hall's earlier story in the Times about the same subject.

Hardly plagiarism in fact probably a good bit of business for Mr Hall. It takes a special sort of genius to get paid twice for cutting and pasting a story about the evils of cutting and pasting.
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Spot the difference

According to doctors (or it may be desperate-for-stories daily mail reporters) one of the photos below shows a big fat bastard. The other shows a woman who should have started eating again the minute her knees were wider than her thighs.

Can you spot the difference?
Hey fatty bum bum
If you can tell which is which please enter the Mail's contest here, stating why you hate the poor and how homeopathy cured your verrucas.

One lucky winner (drawn at random) will win a Big Mac or a Slim-fast, depends on whether they hate fatties or not on the day of the draw. Best Blogger Tips