This man's a genius

Alex Brummer the Mail's city editor has been hiding his light under a bushel, to what end maybe we'll never know, but hidden it's been until now.

Sounds a bit like...

He's finally decided it's best if he lets us know how to get businesses going in ten simple steps, which I'll paraphrase for your education below. Prosperity here we come...

The short version

1. Abolish the equality act.

The French may believe in Liberty, Equality & Fraternity but they shouldn't be forcing this socialist rubbish down our necks. Brown / Gay / Disabled / Female / Thick people don't deserve as much money as me. 

2. Tear up National wage bargaining

Sorry forgot the Northerners in number 1. They can do one too. Money belongs in the home counties and that's where it must stay. Southern nurses are brill, northern ones probably don't wash their hands.

3. Cut Corporation tax

I made that cash the hard way, with my bare hands, by ringing up a Chinese bloke I found on Alibaba.com and getting him to ship me a container load of plastic tat that I'd flogged onto a retard I met in the bookies before it had passed Suez. That's hard work right there. Why should I pay tax? If I keep the money and spend it on rent boys, chintz curtains and jackets for your cat it'll trickle down to the pikey poor eventually, and in the mean time at least my siamese will keep warm.

4. Divorce Britain from European employment law

If she gets knocked up surely she can drop the kid in her dinner hour and still pick up my newly laundered Y-front from the dry cleaners. They manage it in Chinese paddy fields (Well not the dry cleaner collection stuff, just the going back to work in a reasonable time frame) Actually that said please refer to number 1 she'd have never been given the job in the first place. So instead lets drop the working time directive. My logistics company could employ far fewer drivers, and make more money for me to invest in Kitty-Koats, if drivers were allowed to keep on Truckin' like in the good old days where it'd take something more manly that a tachograph to stop them. A school bus for instance.

5. Abolish the 50p tax bracket for earners above £150,000

If you really want to redistribute wealth don't overlook the power of pet clothing. Drop this evil daylight robbery and the land will be flooded with very rich men creating thousands of jobs for factories in India and shipping the waste to Africa. Think how much happier we will all be as more and more Ferraris are sold to non-footballers.

6. End the climate change tax lie

I'll be long dead by the time either climate change has any dramatic life-threatening effects, or we run out of oil, so why has it got anything to do with me? Anyway didn't one "Scientist' once spell Antarctica wrong in a text to his mum? Well there you go then, it's all just a scam to keep them in new white coats or something.

7. Kill the National Insurance rise

I'm in BUPA. If you get ill that's your problem. Unless I knock you over in my experimental off-road Lamborghini in which case you've got bigger problems mate. That metallic lilac paint job wasn't cheap and now my bonnet's covered in your blood.

8. Education reforms

The poor are too thick to work, or over qualified with degrees they'll never use. They should be taught to say "Yes boss, yes boss!" and know that a peanut will roll down the chute if they do good then be sent out to earn a living.

9. A real bonfire of the Quangos

Bloody National Trust. If I want to convert a country house into a lap dancing club for the sexually adventurous wildlife lovers of my Masonic lodge I should be able to. It would have made a fortune. Look at the tax the treasury is missing out on (Not withstanding points 7, 6, 5 & 3).

10. Radically reform the banks

The banks should lend more money to businesses. In fact everybody should be lending more money. I've money sat around not earning any interest. I could set up a website to lend money to the poor (They are the world's greediest beggars - always bleating about wanting more money to waste on Plasma TVs and Holidays in Benidorm) they could pay me back when they can at a very reasonable rate of 1737% APR or I'll burn their shacks down.

And that is the answer to this country's financial woes. Vote Brummer  for Kitty-koats and easy money for all.

Tweet