No stone unturned

In the Daily Express' European Comment today Paul Nuttall, a UKIP MEP, invokes the important work of the bureau of investigative  journalism in publicising the excessive use by the European Commission of their corporate charge cards.

In a flowery piece of prose rallying against the Eurocrats and evoking images from classical history he even found the time to do some hard hitting investigative journalism of his own.

Apparently if you type the words "European Union" and waste into google you get over 35,000,000 hits. An inspired piece of sleuthing that finally puts to bed any doubts that the EU is an evil waste of your money. Woodward & Bernstein look out.

Inspired by his out-of-the-box thinking and left-field methods I tried some deep dive investigation of my own. Well I actually put the bins out first, otherwise I'll forget then have to do it before going to work in the morning and that always makes me a bit late and, oh anyway the journalism...

I typed the words "Daily Express waste" into google and got 52,500,000 hits. So what does this tell us? Some cynics might say it tells us nothing you f*cking dummy, but would they be right?

Probably yes, but let's head down the rabbit hole anyway into a world where this is significant. The Daily Express is responsible for 1.5 times the waste of the EU. If the bureau's data is to be believed it appears the Daily Express has pissed more than €11,000,000 of your cash up the wall on private jet travel. Something should probably be done.

Spurred on by my insightful discovery I toyed with setting up a campaign to demand a referendum on getting us out of the Express, but soon realised this would be a waste of my highly trained newshound skills.

Get us out
NOW!

Instead I opted for another bout of snooping into a murky hidden world that demands to be highlighted.

If you type the words "European hairy women" into Google you get over 30,000,000 hits and the shock of your life. Tweet

Oh my giddy aunt

I'm not going to enter into a discussion about the science and risk associated with the report of cancer causing night lights, others are much better placed to discuss that area.

I'm not even going to mention the fact that they quote the Daily Express in the last paragraph quoting someone else. The laziness of Daily Mail staff is now becoming legendary.

I'd like to take this opportunity to paint a picture of your common or garden Daily Mail reader sat in his £350,000 semi in Esher.

He hates to be told what to do. It's as simple as that. His reaction to an order follows a well described process.

1) Indignation.
In a world where things are either right or wrong, black or white it's a harsh shock to suffer when someone tells you you are wrong. Even worse when it means you have to do something and worse still if it's done for the benefit of others. So when a Spanish Eurocrat dictates something for the benefit of future generations you'll boil with resentment.

What right does that foreigner have to tell a man of your life experience (You don't get to senior office manager by sitting on your arse, well you do but...) tell you what the right thing to do is. You know, you can feel it in your gut. Although it could well be the ulcer playing up - stress does bring the worst out of it.

2) Rebelling
If they were told not to put their cocks in a blender an onlooker would be deafened by the tuts and harumphs followed by the roar of a Kenwoods starting up.

3) Yeah but...
These edicts only ever affect you negatively. Everyone else in the world is either not affected or it's making their lot a little easier. The blender thing, oh don't get me started. Muslims circumcise their boys without anyone interfering for fear of upsetting them, but when I want to mutilate my genitals out come the PC brigade.

4) Ha, I was right all along!
This is a delayed reaction, but you can bet your ass it'll turn up. Somewhere - like the lanky, uncomfortable, too-clever-for-his-own-good teenager who proves to his maths class that actually 2+2 can equal 5 - out pops evidence that they were right all along. This reaction will prove almost anything, taxing the rich causes poverty, windmills murder birds of prey or banning fox hunting gives foxes the edge they need in the war against humans.

This is what we're seeing here in this lightbulb story. We've reached stage 4 of the process. Ban something I use will you, well I'll show you good when it's given me head cancer. Ha.

Drama Queens. Tweet

Fair do's

I've always been a little suspicious of fair trade products. I'm torn between the ideas that they're just a ploy for stealing money from hippies or that if free trade and global capitalism is so good at dragging the poor kicking and screaming from abject filth then it's not needed at all. The farmers are using it as a way to upgrade their sky sports package.

Either way there's obviously been a press release issued today as The Mail, The Mirror and the Express have all copy & pasted it onto their website and passed it off as news. (Churnalism.com is my newest friend)

Obviously having copy / pasted their afternoon away the journalists (Professionals don't you know!) didn't have time to actually bother reading the article and so sold it as a positive that fair trade sales have increased massively over the past few years.

Again I'm not too bothered if people want to pay more for their bananas in the hope they're helping a farmer see how Spurs do in the Champions league, carry on Rainbow-Child say I.

The Telegraph however has a different view. They've obviously received the same press release and decided they'd actually put some thought into a story pointing out some of the fallacies that the hippies may be falling for. I'm quietly impressed with them, regardless of whether you agree with them or not it's refreshing to have an honest opinion put forward.

And my favourite honest opinion was put forward in the comments by LordBarnet, and seconded by five of his minions:

Shouldn't really laugh at him as looking at his other comments it appears he's either a mental racist or suffers from keyboard Tourettes. Tweet

Dangerous hindquarters

This made me smile from the front page of express.co.uk today:

The van is quite important I imagine

Not the story itself, a sad tale of someone who died for the pipe-dream of a bigger arse (I wonder why they didn't try Greggs bakery. The sausage rolls certainly have helped with my posterior enlargement programme), it's the thought of an illegal buttock and what it might do to kill someone???

I feel certain the EU are behind this travesty somehow. Back in the good old days the British kitemark stamped on the backside of a grubby student guaranteed safety for all using it. Since our Euromasters have taken charge of rump safety, and it's all in metric or something, the dangers posed have quadrupled. More so for the squeezed middle.

It's time the Express took on this important issue and kicked of the

It's an arse not a derriere!

The

campaign for British bums.

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