Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Don't Be Evil

Sneaky tax dodging Google executive Eric Schmidt has been plastering himself all over the press defending his company's anti-social tax avoidance as "Capitalism".

 The Inquirer

Erm Google?

Google's famous motto is "Don't Be Evil" and this is backed up by their code of conduct. They take this quite seriously...

We expect all of our employees and Board members to know and follow the Code. Failure to do so can result in disciplinary action, including termination of employment.

I wonder how he feels holding himself up to Section III Avoiding conflicts of interest where it states...

Would this activity embarrass Google or me if it showed up on the front page of a newspaper or a blog?

While it might not embarrass him - he seems 'dance a little jig' happy with the arrangement - does it embarrass Google? I suppose we'll only know if we see him carrying a cardboard box of family photos and mugs full of pens out of reception escorted by a confused security guard.

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Thursday, 25 October 2012

Daily Mail publicises Jesus fellatio blog

As is well known throughout God-bothering-land being fruity is a sin that will end up with you spending eternity in hell and there's nothing you can do about it, until now...

As detailed in MailOnline Reverend Bob Larson can cast out the demon within and leave you dribbling at the sight of Girls Aloud for completely different reasons to what you were used to.

If you really loved him you would.
This is a great story but it appears the Mail's not noticed the origin of the video. Look at the top left hand side - OnKneesforJesus - that's not a slip up. It comes from a cool blog whose owner's bio reads "My life is all about getting on my knees and faithfully servicing Jesus until He comes"

The video itself is piss funny...

I wonder if they'll notice?
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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Paul Broun is a bit thick

More worryingly Paul Broun is also a Republican Congressman in Georgia, and worse still he's a qualified medical doctor. A qualification he didn't get off the internet. However the cherry on top of the cake he serves on the Congress committee for Science & Technology.

The reason this is so scary is because of what he said in front of an audience of talking stags - in much the same way Manuel once did in Torquay. Watch the video and ponder how on earth one of the most technological advanced nations in the world can be led by fuckwits like this chump.

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Monday, 8 October 2012

Brass band members now fair game

Populist headline in the Daily Telegraph...

Leaves this poor fella fearing for his safety.

It's open season on
Buglers - get him boys!

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Saturday, 6 October 2012

Jim'll Fix it

James Delingpole - the Telegraph's resident bat shit crazy anti-science tin foil hat wearer is standing for parliament. Corby-trouser-press in Leicestershire is the borough that will be retaining his deposit after the by-election.

The constituency, having some fields in it, falls right into JD rant territory and as such he's standing on a ticket of building dry stone walls, or fracking for gas or using windmills to grind wheat or something. I'll be honest I didn't really pay attention. All I know is he's rabidly against coal or nuclear power or something and loves gas, even more than Sid did.

Anyway - whatever madness is in his views - he's taken to the self-publication circuit like a tramp to meths. What tickled me was his attempt at electioneering involving the ubiquitous photo op of  him nibbling the skull of an infant. The woman in the background can obviously see traces of grey matter running down his chin and staining his tank top.

I can feel his intelligence
seeping into my being

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Wednesday, 3 October 2012

What does Jesus want?

An eternal question that has puzzled mankind (and Mary Magdalene) for hundreds of years is "What does Jesus want from me?" On the one hand he says love your neighbour and help the poor and on the other hand he threatened to set big angry dogs onto some fella's kids. Retribution Council estate style.

Safer than mocking a certain
other messenger from god
However if there's one thing we can be certain of he didn't want you to pour Chardonnay through a hosepipe stuck up your bum.

Alexandra Broughton - who whines on and on about not being gay - is deeply unhappy that police released details of his drunken bum fun with friends as it's unchristian, so much so that as soon as his lawyer can think of a reason he'll be suing them for laughing at him.

Too late Alex boyo - you said this is against God's law (It's somewhere near the back in the weird bit where the world's ending I assume) and he was watching. He knows what you do when you've got a tube, a copy of Men's health magazine, half a bottle of communion wine and some butter, and he's laughing about it with his mate Budda, in fact all the deities are pissing themselves at you.

Butt Chugger Alex Broughton
regrets God catching him in an
awkward moment

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Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Got to dash?

Hyperrealistic is not a word used all that often. Realistic is usually sufficient, sometimes super or very or even extremely realistic is required. If something is hyper-realistic then - Lord protect us - it's going to be spookily life like, or maybe more so. May be it looks so much like the thing it's supposed to look like you can't really make out it is.

Whatever it really means it's obviously made an appearance on the MailOnline's adjective of the day desk calendar as there are two stories - separated only by tales of Hitler's love for dandelions and how gypsies want your pensions probably - using the word in their headlines.

However much more important than what it means is how you should spell it. With or without the hyphen?

Anna Edwards believes a dash is just an aberrant waste of ink for the weak and cowardly. Beth Stebner can't understand why on earth you'd allow two Rs to sit next to each other so cosily without invoking some sort of Spanish tongue rolling festival and ending up slavering all over your computer.

But who's right?

Sources close to the editor Paul Dacre say he wants this punctuation shambles sorted fast the only way these issues can be settled. Jelly wrestling.

Currently betfair put Beth odds on favourite at 3/1 because she's forearms like a navvy. However word is that Anna has been searching the publication's archives for tactics and may well have a few tricks up her sleeve. Only time will tell.

Mr Dacre - Blue hat - referees a contest to determine
who used all the milk.

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Thursday, 20 September 2012

Defending Kate's honour

How dare they eh? I don't know how they've got the nerve. Fancy printing photos of our future Queen  with her Boobies out. It's disgusting filth is what it is. The French - and by French I mean generally foreign - press ought to be ashamed of themselves taking photos of a lady when she's in a state of undress. It's unseemly.

I tell you what I'm glad to see the Mail agrees with me too. That last bastion of common sense and proportional response has set it's wisest lady journalist to put the record straight.

Right on Suzanne, the disgusting Euro-pervs looking at our Duchesses lovely jubblys is not something we should tolerate. I expect nothing more from your upstanding publication, guardian of our morals. Good on you.

On a completely separate note here's a picture looking up the Duchess of Cambridge's skirt kindly published on the Mail-online's website. Nice arse eh Suzanne? Phwoar!!!

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Monday, 17 September 2012

God goes wild in Oz

It's been a couple of millennium since he last showed his face but at last god's turned up again; and he's obviously pissed.

Like the slow blinking whiffy uncle at a family gathering showing you his one card trick - the one you fathomed as an eight year old and have been explaining how he's been doing it wrong ever since - god's bringing out one of his favourite tools to keep the mortals under control.

Rumour has it he'd been on the lash for two thousand years with Buddha and had moved on from the communion wine to an old bottle of Cointreau he was given one Christmas (Or was it his birthday?) by Thor. He'd been banging for the last 600 years about how outsourcing his vengeance to various freedom fighters and terrorists was one of his worst mistakes. He missed bringing his little lambs up to heaven personally with fire and brimstone and salt and fiery serpents.

The orangey liquor proved too much for him and he set about showing his chubby deity mate how smiting should be done. Unfortunately his aim is out and instead of destroying the sin-laden rat's nest of Chipping Norton as he intended and his booze addled fire finger aimed at the Australian outback.

It's believed he's currently sleeping it off now in a car park in Rhyl and so we'll not be seeing any evidence of his existence for another couple of thousand years, and even then he'll need a cup of coffee and a handful of Panadol before he'll sheepishly set fire to a bush somewhere.
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Saturday, 15 September 2012


In an ill conceived experiment ( here ) Mr Hitchens at the MoS is trying to find out how the Internet works and why the whole of the on-line world is against him.

He's written some quotes that it looks like he'll be searching for to see how the evil monster google and it's chatty bastard son Twitter ignore his "sensible" pronouncements and pounce like a tramp on a sandwich on his more frequent insane statements. He believes these won't make it on-line.

Well here they are, that's his goose cooked :-)

“Peter Hitchens believes that numbers prove plenty. He also thinks that Twitter is an electronic left-wing mob”

"If I say here that “Peter Hitchens says universities should select their students on merit, not in accordance with some egalitarian formula”, will these words find their way on to the web?" Yep they will Peter my angry friend.

"Peter Hitchens says that political correctness has gone too far. If I want to call a lady darling and give her a friendly squeeze on the rump to show my gratitude for her help picking out a fine vintage alcopop then I should should not have to suffer the indignity of being arrested in my own squat."

That last one doesn't seem right. I think my copy & paste function has let me down. Here's a picture taken in a pub to show how sorry I am.

Soz Peter.

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Friday, 18 May 2012

Once in never out

There seems to have been a major misunderstanding at the Mail over the duties and responsibilities of scientists.

Take a look at the remarkable image below of a man being nibbled like a tough chicken satay at an all you can eat buffet. It's a great shot. Now read the accompanying words.

"Off duty scientist"

Really does the Mail think scientists are ever off duty? Do they believe that post 5pm the white coat comes off and irrationality is applied to life's ordeals.

Actually maybe they're right, they have got a photo of a man wrestling with a crocodile and - unless he's graduated from the Giant haystacks college of advanced grappling - that's a daft thing to do.

But no, this is a one off. As any one who's ever looked at a periodic table knows you're never off duty, much like Norman Wisdom on that police film where he had stilts on to be a copper.

The war against ignorance ( and short policemen) never ends.
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Sunday, 22 April 2012

Atheist vs Believer brain scans

An interesting story about a study into spiritualism carried out by Brick Johnstone is reported in the Mail's science section.

Brick (named after a favourite part of his parent's garden wall) led a team of researchers at the University of Missouri to investigate exactly where in the brain spirituality resides, commonly known as the God-spot. He compared MRI scans of both devout religious followers and cynical atheists and asked them to ponder on the big important questions affecting us all:
  • Why are we here?
  • What happens after we die?
  • Where are my car keys?
While considering these ageless riddles Brick gazed into their brains to see what was happening. What he found was startling.

Atheists showed some activity around the right parietal lobe but this rapidly fell away as they realised that they just didn't know the answers. The right parietal lobe is associated with several brain functions including self orientation, consideration of others and making shit up. 

Atheist brain activity

However when the same scans were carried out on ardent followers of a religion (and it didn't matter which brand they were) a greater amount of activity was seen in these same lobes. These lobes, the green and blues areas in the scans below, are known to neurologists as the H C Andersen areas and are responsible for manufacturing stories and excuses. In addition to this several lesions were seen in the left hand lobe that are missing in people who don't think Jesus brings presents down their chimney every December.

Believer brain activity
Unfortunately Brick wasn't available to comment on his findings but his wife - Lintel Johnstone, 42 - registered her surprise.
"I can hardly believe he's found the G (God) spot after all these years. It must be down the the support of his team. Normally he just prods about randomly like a blind man using a typewriter."
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Saturday, 7 April 2012

The Daily Mail song

Only just come across this Dan & Dan song (Thanks Gren) but thought it was brilliant.


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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Is George Osborne a psychopath?

And by that I don't mean that he murders street kids after enticing them into his hired Lexus with promises of free smack and Polish vodka. I've not found any evidence that he's done this and frankly you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking he's got corpses stashed in a Big Yellow Storage depot in Croydon and holds tea parties with them dressed up as impish Victorian urchins. This is unlikely to have happened.

There's no evidence he's
killed anyone

No, I wonder how his behaviour would contrast with a diagnosed psychopath if they had been delivering the budget speech today.

Psychopathy can be diagnosed utilising a 20 point checklist devised by a Dr. Hare. The 20 traits described include; glib and superficial charm, shallow affect, cunning and manipulativeness, lack of remorse or guilt and juvenile delinquency amongst others.

George's Hookers and Coke youth accounts for the last point but in his selling of the upper tax bracket reduction is there evidence of other, sociopathic, traits?

There's no doubt about about his glib charm, his smarmyness knows little bounds so what about the others?

Imagine if there was a psychopath who was desperate to pay less tax but was in such a position that criminally evading payment would be spotted in an instant, if he was chancellor for instance. Do you not think he'd use his cunning and manipulativeness to make sure that people thought his tax bill was bad for them? Using all his super - psycho powers to get the media on side and drip feed a narrative that him being out of pocket was bad for everyone, rich and poor alike.

Then when it had been kicked through into law he could show a complete lack of remorse by pointing out that it wasn't such a big deal anyway, after all it raised "next to nothing". That next to nothing was in fact one billion pounds, enough to "Provide hope" to 160,000 youngsters according to the Deputy Prime Minister.

Looking through the other dozen or so Psycho traits here I score Mr Osbourne as a conservative 22 points out of Peter Sutcliffe possible 40. Not enough to be a full blown nutjob but maybe a man who has criminal tendencies.

So if he's not mental then the 10% tax cut for Britain's wealthiest must be solely down to self serving greed and the sexually motivated murders are just a hobby.

Disclaimer : George Osborne, wall paper heir and chancellor of the exchequer, does not kill homeless people for sexual kicks. Or for their money.
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Thursday, 8 March 2012

Eat Bananas and look buff

As if keeping you regular isn't enough reason to chow down on a cherry or munch on a melon it's a delight to find out that finishing your greens also makes you better looking.

Praise Tescos, could this be the panacea that people who resemble Bulldogs licking piss off a nettle have been waiting for? Is it likely we'll catch Michael Gove filling his face with Brussel sprouts so he doesn't scare children - something you'd think would be a pre-requisite for an Education minister.

"You want me..."

Unfortunately for the world's munters leek and potato soup doesn't lead to a head transplant. What Tamara Cohen tells us is the best you can hope for is a slight change in face colour moving from a pasty hue to a more pleasing shade of skin. Scientists have used a camera that can detect the tiny changes in the colour of your skin after pursuing a healthy diet, changes that render you more pretty.

The Mail then treats us to a before and after photo showing this amazing revelation.

With chips and without chips

Now I know what you're thinking, that's just the same photo with the hue changed in photoshop. Well shame on you, this is science & tech we're discussing here, it says so on the Mail online header. There can be no doubt that this image was taken from that special camera Miss Cohen was banging on about earlier. Thinking differently makes you a science denier like one of those swivel eyed numpties who wear tin foil hats and insist God made Eve out of BBQ ribs or something.

Indeed a quick search of Medline allows you to find the original paper and here there are more revelations. Depending on the type of fruit or vegetable you indulge in you will enjoy a tiny, imperceptible, change in the colour of your skin. Now under normal circumstances this would not be noticeable to the naked eye, but luckily using the same camera as before you get these startling results.

Eat too many tomatoes and the Lycopene lends your appearance a rouge hue;
This is science, right here.

A diet rich in plums leads to a delicate pinkish glow;
Keep carrier bags away from children
And finally the king of fruits; lager. Picked from the thorny Anheuser Bush this tasty berry was a favourite of George Best and lent him his healthy yellow sheen.
Maggie Simpson grows up

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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Georgie's happy ending

A little bright economic news for Berkshire's resident perverts, reported in this week's Midweek Observer, as prossies slash their rates.

Rumours this is an initiative proposed by the chancellor - whose seedy hookers & coke youth means he can no longer look his mum in the eye whenever Billie Piper comes on the TV - have been hotly denied.
Lilo Lil suffers deflation
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Sunday, 19 February 2012

Proof God doesn't exist

It's been a tough week for atheists, God's been wheeling out his big hitters to gloat over him using all his unworldly power to make a 70 year old man have a memory lapse.

The problem many unbelievers have is that there is just such a glut of evidence in favour of God. Here we have Allah in a tomato...
Proof of life
Jesus in a fish finger...
Funny how you never see God and
Captain Birdseye together.
Makes you think eh?
And I can't find any Jewish images so their religion must just be made up.

Like the Jews, atheists didn't have any evidence for their point of view (aside from all the science stuff that contradicts the rubbish written in religious texts; but that doesn't seem to hold much weight with suicide bombers) until now.

Last night after a long cold walk in the rain I put the fire on to warm up and was confronted by a sign that Darwin himself would have understood as vindication of evolution - clear indication that we're here by chance and have evolved over millions of years into the neurotic angry animals we are today.

I give you fire chimp.
Fire Chimp delivers the truth
Somebody ring the pope the gig's up, he's out of work.
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Thursday, 16 February 2012

The sad truth about Whitney Houston's death

Whitney Houston's tragic early death came as a shock. When celebrities die unexpectedly it does jolt you a little, you feel as though you sort of know them just because they're there or there abouts in your life, in the papers, on TV or playing on your car stereo.

For this reason you feel a natural urge to find out what happened, how and why.

Luckily the Daily Mail doesn't let us down and seeks out the facts of a hideous situation, carefully weeding out the lies, disinformation and conspiracies to leave us with the truth distilled and pure so we can start mourning and remembering.

In Whitney's case the horrible truth is what we all feared; it was the drink that got her...

Although this may have been provoked by her secret gay life...

Or if not the pain of not being able to choose the right woman, maybe it was choosing the wrong men...

Whichever it was she knew that things weren't right because she was regularly visiting her doctor...

Or more likely she knew things weren't right because she'd had a premonition and wanted to see Jesus - presumably the son of God, and not the Mexican fella who owns a taco stall near her house...

This really is getting into the realms of the crazy. There's no way Miss Houston predicted her own death, why would she? That's what rising football star Aaron Ramsey is for...

So there you have all the facts you need to know about the tragic demise of a talented singer. Reporting that makes editor Paul Dacre proud informs us that the singer died due to drink and drink & drugs because she was a secret lesbian who was haunted by the toxic men in her life and so knew time was running short due to her doctors visits and religious visions and Premier league goal stats. I feel I can start mourning now the truth is known.

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Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Fashion victim persecuted

Ed Smith is a man at the end of his tether it seems. His B&B business at Bridgewater farm in Dundry, near Bristol, is under attack. The attack dogs that are about him have come from a place worse than Hades - they've come from the independent planning inspectorate.

His thriving venture into the hotel industry is under threat because he likes swallows. He likes swallows so much he says he raised the roof. Literally, not like some N-Dubz B side where they rant on about Raising da roof, We'll get to da truth, Bangin' dem hoes, Coz I got da flows... or something like that. No he lifted the roof of a barn 75cm so that swallows could nest inside. Unfortunately his farm being in a green belt he needed planning permission to do this and didn't get round to sending the form in or something.

This has made Ed quite angry - so angry in fact he's forgotten all sense of decorum and in his eagerness to pose for a photo fit for "Angry people in local newspapers" he foolishly got dressed in the 70's,left his socks on and chose sandals.

Or maybe his feet have gone blue
with the cold??
Anyway, sartorial ineptitude aside, it appears the proprietor of trip advisor's 67th best B&B in Bristol (out of 81) might not have told the Mail the whole truth.

According to the actual appeal decision report - which Rebecca Seales (The journalist who cut and pasted this piece from the local Bristol paper) could have found by using the internet, yes that's right this thing right here squeezed between the porn - there were numerous infringements including a two and a half meter roof lift that was presumable made for roosting ostriches.

In reality Ed decided to convert the barns into rooms to let out to the tourist hordes of Bristol. He needed to raise the roof and put more windows in the barns because the numbers of agoraphobic dwarves needing lodging in the area didn't cover his costs. Unfortunately he didn't bother with planning permission 'cos that's for squares. Rebels like him don't follow the rules they make them, or break them, or bitch to the local paper when they get caught breaking them.

Are they swallows or ostriches?
However this is one of those laws that only apply to other people - not the comfortable readership of the Mail - this man is a businessman, a wealth creator and an honest tax payer. Unless you believe LipSmacker on Tripadvisor who thinks he fiddles his VAT. So the affronted are out in droves banging on about bureaucratic busybodies sticking their nose into nearly-honest wheeler-dealers money making schemes.

He deserves to be pictured dressed like an over-friendly cub scout leader in a national newspaper because he thought he could get away with doing whatever he wanted in order to make a fast buck. He can't, there are rules to protect the green belt from over development so we don't end up living in a never ending Croydon inspired urban sprawl.

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Monday, 30 January 2012

Daily Mail urges manhunt against black immigrants

Squirrel Nutkin lived in simpler times. Back in his day the worst he had to worry about were angry owls and stylish tails and then it all changed. The greys arrived from the west and ousted the gingers from their position of nutty dominance leaving them freezing their, er, nuts off in the far north or gazing at Harry Rednap's barbecues across the water in the south.

I can see Harry's
bangers from here
If this ethnic cleansing is to be avoided again it's important we heed the Daily Mail's not-racist-at-all rightly scaremongering headline.

Rampage!! Yes Rampage - these new Black squirrels - yeah that's right I said it they're black - are rampaging through this once red and now happily grey and peaceful land.

According to Rob Waugh these feral little beasts have been rampaging through Bedfordshire for a hundred years and have managed to stamp their mark on their home-turf a massive fifty miles in that time. Well no one said rampages had to be fast.
Yes, it is because he is black.
Of course just because it's the Daily Mail and they don't like darkies coming over here and stealing our nuts, living in our trees and expecting acorns to be handed out like candy there's no reason to believe this story has any racist undertones. Obviously were there a similar story about white squirrels there'd be just as much panic and fear and we'd all be charged to keep and eye on the slippery newcomers.

Ahhh isn't she cute?
She's so pretty and looks at herself in the mirror like a person. Ahhh and she doesn't want to get her paws on your nuts or smoke crack in an abandoned magpie nest. Looking at her just makes you feel safer eh? Not like them bad-boy-black squirrels...

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Sunday, 22 January 2012

Tis the work of the devil

Vince Cable suggests taxing wealth instead of income and the Telegraph readers out him as Beelzebub by labelling the story with the mark of the devil.
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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Bathed in blood

Shock shock horror horror professional teapot Lady Gaga bathes in blood to stave off militant vegetarians or something. It must be true respected journalist Lucy Buckland says so.

Lady Gaga tries out cross dressing
Let's look at Lucy's damning evidence for the satanic activities and then hunt down the mental American singer and dunk her in a pond.

So firstly was it blood?

Oh well never mind she did bathe in it didn't she?

Alright then so it wasn't blood and she didn't bathe in it, better take the witch dunker back to big yellow storage.

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