Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Got to dash?

Hyperrealistic is not a word used all that often. Realistic is usually sufficient, sometimes super or very or even extremely realistic is required. If something is hyper-realistic then - Lord protect us - it's going to be spookily life like, or maybe more so. May be it looks so much like the thing it's supposed to look like you can't really make out it is.

Whatever it really means it's obviously made an appearance on the MailOnline's adjective of the day desk calendar as there are two stories - separated only by tales of Hitler's love for dandelions and how gypsies want your pensions probably - using the word in their headlines.

However much more important than what it means is how you should spell it. With or without the hyphen?

Anna Edwards believes a dash is just an aberrant waste of ink for the weak and cowardly. Beth Stebner can't understand why on earth you'd allow two Rs to sit next to each other so cosily without invoking some sort of Spanish tongue rolling festival and ending up slavering all over your computer.

But who's right?

Sources close to the editor Paul Dacre say he wants this punctuation shambles sorted fast the only way these issues can be settled. Jelly wrestling.

Currently betfair put Beth odds on favourite at 3/1 because she's forearms like a navvy. However word is that Anna has been searching the publication's archives for tactics and may well have a few tricks up her sleeve. Only time will tell.

Mr Dacre - Blue hat - referees a contest to determine
who used all the milk.

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Thursday, 20 September 2012

Defending Kate's honour

How dare they eh? I don't know how they've got the nerve. Fancy printing photos of our future Queen  with her Boobies out. It's disgusting filth is what it is. The French - and by French I mean generally foreign - press ought to be ashamed of themselves taking photos of a lady when she's in a state of undress. It's unseemly.

I tell you what I'm glad to see the Mail agrees with me too. That last bastion of common sense and proportional response has set it's wisest lady journalist to put the record straight.

Right on Suzanne, the disgusting Euro-pervs looking at our Duchesses lovely jubblys is not something we should tolerate. I expect nothing more from your upstanding publication, guardian of our morals. Good on you.

On a completely separate note here's a picture looking up the Duchess of Cambridge's skirt kindly published on the Mail-online's website. Nice arse eh Suzanne? Phwoar!!!

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Monday, 17 September 2012

God goes wild in Oz

It's been a couple of millennium since he last showed his face but at last god's turned up again; and he's obviously pissed.

Like the slow blinking whiffy uncle at a family gathering showing you his one card trick - the one you fathomed as an eight year old and have been explaining how he's been doing it wrong ever since - god's bringing out one of his favourite tools to keep the mortals under control.

Rumour has it he'd been on the lash for two thousand years with Buddha and had moved on from the communion wine to an old bottle of Cointreau he was given one Christmas (Or was it his birthday?) by Thor. He'd been banging for the last 600 years about how outsourcing his vengeance to various freedom fighters and terrorists was one of his worst mistakes. He missed bringing his little lambs up to heaven personally with fire and brimstone and salt and fiery serpents.

The orangey liquor proved too much for him and he set about showing his chubby deity mate how smiting should be done. Unfortunately his aim is out and instead of destroying the sin-laden rat's nest of Chipping Norton as he intended and his booze addled fire finger aimed at the Australian outback.

It's believed he's currently sleeping it off now in a car park in Rhyl and so we'll not be seeing any evidence of his existence for another couple of thousand years, and even then he'll need a cup of coffee and a handful of Panadol before he'll sheepishly set fire to a bush somewhere.
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Saturday, 15 September 2012


In an ill conceived experiment ( here ) Mr Hitchens at the MoS is trying to find out how the Internet works and why the whole of the on-line world is against him.

He's written some quotes that it looks like he'll be searching for to see how the evil monster google and it's chatty bastard son Twitter ignore his "sensible" pronouncements and pounce like a tramp on a sandwich on his more frequent insane statements. He believes these won't make it on-line.

Well here they are, that's his goose cooked :-)

“Peter Hitchens believes that numbers prove plenty. He also thinks that Twitter is an electronic left-wing mob”

"If I say here that “Peter Hitchens says universities should select their students on merit, not in accordance with some egalitarian formula”, will these words find their way on to the web?" Yep they will Peter my angry friend.

"Peter Hitchens says that political correctness has gone too far. If I want to call a lady darling and give her a friendly squeeze on the rump to show my gratitude for her help picking out a fine vintage alcopop then I should should not have to suffer the indignity of being arrested in my own squat."

That last one doesn't seem right. I think my copy & paste function has let me down. Here's a picture taken in a pub to show how sorry I am.

Soz Peter.

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