Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Georgie's happy ending

A little bright economic news for Berkshire's resident perverts, reported in this week's Midweek Observer, as prossies slash their rates.

Rumours this is an initiative proposed by the chancellor - whose seedy hookers & coke youth means he can no longer look his mum in the eye whenever Billie Piper comes on the TV - have been hotly denied.
Lilo Lil suffers deflation
Best Blogger Tips

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Proof God doesn't exist

It's been a tough week for atheists, God's been wheeling out his big hitters to gloat over him using all his unworldly power to make a 70 year old man have a memory lapse.

The problem many unbelievers have is that there is just such a glut of evidence in favour of God. Here we have Allah in a tomato...
Proof of life
Jesus in a fish finger...
Funny how you never see God and
Captain Birdseye together.
Makes you think eh?
And I can't find any Jewish images so their religion must just be made up.

Like the Jews, atheists didn't have any evidence for their point of view (aside from all the science stuff that contradicts the rubbish written in religious texts; but that doesn't seem to hold much weight with suicide bombers) until now.

Last night after a long cold walk in the rain I put the fire on to warm up and was confronted by a sign that Darwin himself would have understood as vindication of evolution - clear indication that we're here by chance and have evolved over millions of years into the neurotic angry animals we are today.

I give you fire chimp.
Fire Chimp delivers the truth
Somebody ring the pope the gig's up, he's out of work.
Best Blogger Tips

Thursday, 16 February 2012

The sad truth about Whitney Houston's death

Whitney Houston's tragic early death came as a shock. When celebrities die unexpectedly it does jolt you a little, you feel as though you sort of know them just because they're there or there abouts in your life, in the papers, on TV or playing on your car stereo.

For this reason you feel a natural urge to find out what happened, how and why.

Luckily the Daily Mail doesn't let us down and seeks out the facts of a hideous situation, carefully weeding out the lies, disinformation and conspiracies to leave us with the truth distilled and pure so we can start mourning and remembering.

In Whitney's case the horrible truth is what we all feared; it was the drink that got her...

Although this may have been provoked by her secret gay life...

Or if not the pain of not being able to choose the right woman, maybe it was choosing the wrong men...

Whichever it was she knew that things weren't right because she was regularly visiting her doctor...

Or more likely she knew things weren't right because she'd had a premonition and wanted to see Jesus - presumably the son of God, and not the Mexican fella who owns a taco stall near her house...

This really is getting into the realms of the crazy. There's no way Miss Houston predicted her own death, why would she? That's what rising football star Aaron Ramsey is for...

So there you have all the facts you need to know about the tragic demise of a talented singer. Reporting that makes editor Paul Dacre proud informs us that the singer died due to drink and drink & drugs because she was a secret lesbian who was haunted by the toxic men in her life and so knew time was running short due to her doctors visits and religious visions and Premier league goal stats. I feel I can start mourning now the truth is known.

Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Fashion victim persecuted

Ed Smith is a man at the end of his tether it seems. His B&B business at Bridgewater farm in Dundry, near Bristol, is under attack. The attack dogs that are about him have come from a place worse than Hades - they've come from the independent planning inspectorate.

His thriving venture into the hotel industry is under threat because he likes swallows. He likes swallows so much he says he raised the roof. Literally, not like some N-Dubz B side where they rant on about Raising da roof, We'll get to da truth, Bangin' dem hoes, Coz I got da flows... or something like that. No he lifted the roof of a barn 75cm so that swallows could nest inside. Unfortunately his farm being in a green belt he needed planning permission to do this and didn't get round to sending the form in or something.

This has made Ed quite angry - so angry in fact he's forgotten all sense of decorum and in his eagerness to pose for a photo fit for "Angry people in local newspapers" he foolishly got dressed in the 70's,left his socks on and chose sandals.

Or maybe his feet have gone blue
with the cold??
Anyway, sartorial ineptitude aside, it appears the proprietor of trip advisor's 67th best B&B in Bristol (out of 81) might not have told the Mail the whole truth.

According to the actual appeal decision report - which Rebecca Seales (The journalist who cut and pasted this piece from the local Bristol paper) could have found by using the internet, yes that's right this thing right here squeezed between the porn - there were numerous infringements including a two and a half meter roof lift that was presumable made for roosting ostriches.

In reality Ed decided to convert the barns into rooms to let out to the tourist hordes of Bristol. He needed to raise the roof and put more windows in the barns because the numbers of agoraphobic dwarves needing lodging in the area didn't cover his costs. Unfortunately he didn't bother with planning permission 'cos that's for squares. Rebels like him don't follow the rules they make them, or break them, or bitch to the local paper when they get caught breaking them.

Are they swallows or ostriches?
However this is one of those laws that only apply to other people - not the comfortable readership of the Mail - this man is a businessman, a wealth creator and an honest tax payer. Unless you believe LipSmacker on Tripadvisor who thinks he fiddles his VAT. So the affronted are out in droves banging on about bureaucratic busybodies sticking their nose into nearly-honest wheeler-dealers money making schemes.

He deserves to be pictured dressed like an over-friendly cub scout leader in a national newspaper because he thought he could get away with doing whatever he wanted in order to make a fast buck. He can't, there are rules to protect the green belt from over development so we don't end up living in a never ending Croydon inspired urban sprawl.

Best Blogger Tips