Science is hard

I used to particularly hate microbiology when I was doing my A-levels, too much Latin type names that were impossible to remember.

It seems that Laura Donnelly - health correspondent at the Telegraph also struggles.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10042211/Antibiotics-could-cure-40pc-of-chronic-back-pain-patients.html

It should be Helicobacter pylori not Helicopter pylori - which I think is Italian for "Man who drives Chopper."

Maybe they're editing their newspaper on an iPhone and autocorrect is in charge?

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The great global warming scam

The Daily Mail uncovers those dastardly scientists have been pulling the wool over our eyes for years and actually the planet's A/C is set to cool. Don't take their word for it, here's a graph so you know they've got their science shit together.

Irrefutable eh? Look at the "Heavy Black Line" it's close to the edge of the 95% confidence interval. This surely means that - sometime in the future - it'll fall outside of that and we can all start filling up the Land Rover with leaded four star and piping the fumes directly into kitten's lungs. No harm, no foul - the graph says they'll be fine.

Let's think about it though what it's saying in the real world is that there's a 5% chance any data point could fall outside that range. Five points in every hundred will be above or below the light red area.

So how often do we ever see a 5% chance coming off? Perhaps the Daily Mail has some examples...

Hmm every now and again then.

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Once in never out

There seems to have been a major misunderstanding at the Mail over the duties and responsibilities of scientists.

Take a look at the remarkable image below of a man being nibbled like a tough chicken satay at an all you can eat buffet. It's a great shot. Now read the accompanying words.

"Off duty scientist"

Really does the Mail think scientists are ever off duty? Do they believe that post 5pm the white coat comes off and irrationality is applied to life's ordeals.

Actually maybe they're right, they have got a photo of a man wrestling with a crocodile and - unless he's graduated from the Giant haystacks college of advanced grappling - that's a daft thing to do.

But no, this is a one off. As any one who's ever looked at a periodic table knows you're never off duty, much like Norman Wisdom on that police film where he had stilts on to be a copper.

The war against ignorance ( and short policemen) never ends.

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Atheist vs Believer brain scans

An interesting story about a study into spiritualism carried out by Brick Johnstone is reported in the Mail's science section.

Brick (named after a favourite part of his parent's garden wall) led a team of researchers at the University of Missouri to investigate exactly where in the brain spirituality resides, commonly known as the God-spot. He compared MRI scans of both devout religious followers and cynical atheists and asked them to ponder on the big important questions affecting us all:

• Why are we here?
• What happens after we die?
• Where are my car keys?

While considering these ageless riddles Brick gazed into their brains to see what was happening. What he found was startling.

Atheists showed some activity around the right parietal lobe but this rapidly fell away as they realised that they just didn't know the answers. The right parietal lobe is associated with several brain functions including self orientation, consideration of others and making shit up. 

Atheist brain activity

However when the same scans were carried out on ardent followers of a religion (and it didn't matter which brand they were) a greater amount of activity was seen in these same lobes. These lobes, the green and blues areas in the scans below, are known to neurologists as the H C Andersen areas and are responsible for manufacturing stories and excuses. In addition to this several lesions were seen in the left hand lobe that are missing in people who don't think Jesus brings presents down their chimney every December.

Believer brain activity

Unfortunately Brick wasn't available to comment on his findings but his wife - Lintel Johnstone, 42 - registered her surprise.
"I can hardly believe he's found the G (God) spot after all these years. It must be down the the support of his team. Normally he just prods about randomly like a blind man using a typewriter."

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Eat Bananas and look buff

As if keeping you regular isn't enough reason to chow down on a cherry or munch on a melon it's a delight to find out that finishing your greens also makes you better looking.

Praise Tescos, could this be the panacea that people who resemble Bulldogs licking piss off a nettle have been waiting for? Is it likely we'll catch Michael Gove filling his face with Brussel sprouts so he doesn't scare children - something you'd think would be a pre-requisite for an Education minister.

"You want me..."

Unfortunately for the world's munters leek and potato soup doesn't lead to a head transplant. What Tamara Cohen tells us is the best you can hope for is a slight change in face colour moving from a pasty hue to a more pleasing shade of skin. Scientists have used a camera that can detect the tiny changes in the colour of your skin after pursuing a healthy diet, changes that render you more pretty.

The Mail then treats us to a before and after photo showing this amazing revelation.

With chips and without chips

Now I know what you're thinking, that's just the same photo with the hue changed in photoshop. Well shame on you, this is science & tech we're discussing here, it says so on the Mail online header. There can be no doubt that this image was taken from that special camera Miss Cohen was banging on about earlier. Thinking differently makes you a science denier like one of those swivel eyed numpties who wear tin foil hats and insist God made Eve out of BBQ ribs or something.

Indeed a quick search of Medline allows you to find the original paper and here there are more revelations. Depending on the type of fruit or vegetable you indulge in you will enjoy a tiny, imperceptible, change in the colour of your skin. Now under normal circumstances this would not be noticeable to the naked eye, but luckily using the same camera as before you get these startling results.

Eat too many tomatoes and the Lycopene lends your appearance a rouge hue;

This is science, right here.

A diet rich in plums leads to a delicate pinkish glow;

Keep carrier bags away from children

And finally the king of fruits; lager. Picked from the thorny Anheuser Bush this tasty berry was a favourite of George Best and lent him his healthy yellow sheen.

Maggie Simpson grows up

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Remarkable new scientific method

The Mail's Science section is a kaleidoscope of wonder and nonsense that prove both how amazing the natural world can be and how little attention many wannabe journalists paid to science lessons at school.

Wednesdays are often a good day for misunderstood science stories as it's the day before New Scientist is published and the sneak previews offered to the press lead to many exaggerated claims about the health benefits or dangers of many a household object or how in just six months time we'll all be flying to the moon in a biscuit tin.

However it seems a new dawn is approaching. No longer content with nibbling at the scraps the scientific press throws from its table once a week it seems the Mail's leading a charge in expounding the merits of the new scientific method for the 21st century: Cartoonism.

This breakthrough, hinted at by Einstein in his twilight years and heralded by Stephen Hawkings as a god-send, opens the doors to a new century of discovery; a new renaissance; a better world for us all.

The method itself is so simple a journalist could grasp it. By visualising and then committing to paper  your hypothesis you bring it to life and thus prove it to be true.

A fine example in today's DM demonstrates that yes indeed the good people at Pixar know their archaeology and their nut chasing mammal Scrat really did exist. Look there's a cartoon!

Yes, proof indeed

Bolstered by this amazing piece of Crayola based research The Mail has undertaken more studies. The following discoveries are yet to be fully published in peer reviewed literature but their importance to mankind cannot be kept waiting.

Is this proof 

of cat loving 

aliens in our midst?

Using your car

does not cause

Global Warming 

evidence shows

By JAMES DELINGPOLE

New GPS system

will tell you where

your loved ones

are at any time.

Dolly the Sheep's

cloned offspring evolve

into her worst nightmare.

Proof.

Humans can survive

with fewer than six

organs medicine

discovers

Nearest stars closer

than scientists originally

thought

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Voodoo magic in Shanghai

I'm aware that science isn't the Mail's strongpoint. Their core belief is that any researcher not spending time working on cancer cause / cure is simply wasting their time and your taxes. They also find themselves exasperated by new discoveries that change the way we look at the world, searching for "Now they say" on the Mail gives over 3000 results. How dare they find out new stuff, don't we know enough already?

However their misunderstanding of how photography works is surprising even for these luddites.

Lets be clear Tom Daley is not defying gravity here, it's a photograph. I'm reminded of the Father Ted episode where he has to explain perspective to Dougal.

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