Who's ya Daddy?

Interesting, oh no sorry my mistake, pointless photo story in the Daily Mail today of the Prime Minister carrying his child in a knapsack.

Just out shopping - I'm as normal as the
next person

Obviously for security reasons it's imperative that the child's face is pixilated out. In this case there's a very real threat - this child is not as others. Most babies bear a passing resemblance to former Prime Minister Winston Churchill, but not this one.

This baby explains the ever increasing power and influence of our Deputy Prime Minister in Government policy, and is the reason you'll never see Samantha Cameron and Miriam González Durántez together - they can't stand being within 30 feet (Or 10 metres for the Lib Dem) of each other. See the photo below for the shocking truth!

Big Dave & Little Nick

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We're all in it together...

Is Dave really not a man of the people or does he have really smelly poos?

Economic woe makes folk bitter,
They moan on their blogs and on twitter,
But our leaders are clever,
And we're all in this together,
Except when they go to the shitter.

Making sure they can't smell his fear

 Tweeted by Mark Stone at Sky news.

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Oh the shame...

I can picture him now hiding under the duvet blubbing and dreading going into work tomorrow. Poor Nick Clegg has been humiliated by the nasty nasty Prime Minister and is probably right now trying to get his wife to ring in sick for him.

What I hear you ask is the cause of this gross humiliation? Has Dave found a baby photo of nick without his nappy or is it more likely him and George Osbourne persuaded Nick to play one of their old Eton dorm games and is now threatening to put the video on Youtube and tell his wife it was her shoes they used.

A game that got out
of hand

Nope it's neither of these.

How's he going to show his face in public now that Ken Clarke's idea to save money is not going ahead? As far as I can make out it doesn't seem like Nick gives a scabby rats ass whether it's this policy or another that saves the £100m the Justice ministry's got to dig out. Far from humiliated I'd imagine he'd feels a little more perplexed at this story; well the headline anyway, the story offers only this flimsy evidence of his shame.

What the journalist James Chapman's done is mistake the word Liberal meaning "favourable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs." with the Liberal Democrats, meaning "favourable to sandals and eating tofu in Cornwall"  It's an easy mistake for anyone to make, words can be very confusing. Deaf & Death sound very similar but mean very different things, I remember having that circled in red in a story I wrote in junior school.


So in James' Cinzano addled mind this confusing word mingled with Cameron telling radio 2 he'd be a right hard bastard if it wasn't for Nick holding him back telling him it's not worth and added up to a humiliating day for the Lib Dems.


What Mr Chapman actually missed was the humiliation of a government announcing another shiny policy to the world only for it to be ripped to pieces by people asking a few rudimentary questions. The Prime Minister insists that ""The tough, strong thing to do is to say, 'Yes, we can make these plans better,'" when your daft ideas are held up to scrutiny. That may be the strong thing to do, but surely the clever thing to do would be keep your schemes to yourself till you've thought them through. So when you think flogging off the forests or the NHS, or taking free milk from kids or housing benefit from long term unemployed or letting rapists halve the time they spend in prison why not talk them through with a grown up before announcing them to the public?


Thatcher famously told a Conservative conference that "This Lady's not for turning" whereas Dave seems to prefer a page out of Ann Widdecomb's Viennese waltz text book of twirls.

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PM has too much time on his hands

The Prime Minister's, ever-so funny, outburst at a Labour front-bench harpy in PMQs today has lead to an inadvertent revelation that the man is obsessed with TV commercials.

His "Calm down dear" quip had him, and his chief fag Georgie Osborne, rolling in the aisles, so much so that he couldn't resist saying it over and over. What a laugh he is.

But c'mere - there's more (As his great hero Jimmy Cricket used to say) this isn't his first foray into the world of advertising slogans. Yesterday when making up some additional lies about AV he said

"It is a system that is so clear that it can be summed up in one sentence – we all vote for our favourite and the one with the most votes wins. Simples."


Before that in 2009 that he told an LGA audience to "Just do it" aping the world wide Nike adverts.


Of course his favourite and most famous example of advert borrowing was back in 2007 while talking about the dangers of immigration to a local Conservative association in Shropshire.


"There are of course both benefits and dangers to increased immigration from Africa, one only has to remember that they're so chocolatey they even turn the milk brown."


The daft racist.

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Dave's Top Tips for the Nay-sayers

The debate is on. The big guns have begun pounding as our Prime Minister sets out the real reasons to say No in the electoral reform referendum.

He kept it simple and clear sticking to three major themes, clever strategy from someone who thinks we're all too thick to understand AV anyway.

Certified sane by doctors

Propping up his chart at number three is the fact that only Fiji, Papua New Guinea and Australia use the system, so if nobody uses it it must be bad eh?

Oh and Ireland use it too to elect their President, and Northern Ireland for the assembly, and the Scottish assembly. Yes and the London Mayor of course. Apparently the President of India's elected this way too. And the House of Lords and New Zealand city mayors. And a lot of private elections such as leaders of Labour, Liberal Democrats and Conservatives (to some extent). Of course Big Brother and the X-factor use a longer drawn out version to get nutcases to dial 0898 numbers and waste their incapacity benefit with BT.

So more than three sunny paradises then, some right shit-holes use it too.

In second place of David's big reasons to vote no is the fact that BNP hooligans get two, three or four votes whereas your honest to goodness taxpayers only get one go. This is crap as I mentioned before. AV doesn't benefit racists, that's why the BNP supports the No to AV campaign.

And at Tip-top top of the the shot number one in the hit parade is the thought that AV allows candidates who come third to end up winning. Not really Dave, the winner ends up winning. That's why they're called the winner. What you mean is that some candidates are so like Marmite that the majority of the constituents will never support them, whereas other candidates are more like cheese & onion crisps and people will pick them and enjoy them if there's no scampi flavoured fries left. Remember MPs are elected to represent their constituents, therefore they have to be acceptable to the majority of them.

How must the Investment banker feel if he has to go to his local MPs surgery to discuss his off-shore tax issues only to be faced with an ex-mining union official with 4lb of spuds on his shoulder as his representative. Disenfranchised that's how he feels. Life would have been great if the old Major who once burnt a village school down in Tanzania while hunting rhinos had won, but after the incident with the lady-boy at the vicarage (Turns out people aren't as liberal as they like to make out) he was never going to get a majority. He'd even prefer it if it was the limp-wristed vegetarian that nobody really hated  sat there listening intently to his money problems. Unfortunately his only hope for financial assistance in his hour of need hates him and got his position with less than 30% of the votes cast. The majority of voters could well hate his chippy socialist attitude but we live in a minority rule FPTP country, he doesn't need a majority to rule.

So that's it. These are the three biggest reasons not to vote Yes (There's another one he mentions, something about that dog that sells insurance, Winston or something?). No mention of why first past the post is so much fairer, no explanation of the benefits seen by the voter of FPTP and no reasons why a FPTP government is so much more effective.

Just Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt about AV. That's all he's got. Tweet

End this Human Rights insanity

Is this really the opinion of the Daily Mail?



Human rights are for pussies

 To be honest I'm not really being fair to the journalists (By TIM SHIPMAN and JACK DOYLE) here. They're certainly not calling for an end to the rights of children and the introduction of compulsory water boarding for social workers. In reality they're asking - in a somewhat drama queen manner - for an end to hiding behind Human rights law; and end to people ignoring the spirit and exploiting the letter of the law.

David Cameron agrees, as he said it was "completely offensive’ to ‘have, once again, a ruling by a court that seems to fly completely in the face of common sense.’ He added: ‘I am appalled by the Supreme Court ruling.’ This was in respect to the ruling that sex offenders could be given the right to challenge their position on the sex offender's register.

I find myself agreeing with him. I don't believe there's anything you can do to stop what makes up people's sexuality, regardless of how horrific it is. So why would people be able to say they'd ' changed' and no longer had the same urges. The Daily Mail agrees with this standpoint...oh no wait a minute does it?

They were disgusted that a psychologist faced being struck off for promising to make men prefer Jordan to Peter Andre. So in their opinion you can change your sexual desires by talking and whatever else head doctors do - ink blots have something to do with it and laying down I think.

So maybe that's not their point. Maybe their point is it it bad and naughty to ignore the spirit of a law and comply only with the letter. The baddies have been poring through the HR legislation to find ways of bending the meaning and weedling their way round the aim of the legislation.

Yeah that's what's got their goat. Unless of course it's tax legislation and your trying to make money to spend on curtains in your (Insert current value of property here)
mock-tudor, home-counties, wife-swapping pad. No the official position of the DM is that it's morally implicit that you do whatever you can to avoid paying tax. The less money going into the country's coffers and the more going to Chinese purveyors of tat the better off we'll all be.

No, the real reason they're so damn mad is it's criminals that are benefiting and that - as everyone would agree is just not cricket. These people have been caught fair and square and now are crying "Oh Oh it's so unfair we were caught, what about my rights" etc etc.

Ah but that's the same position the paper takes on speed cameras. It's not fair that people are getting caught breaking the law and then getting punished.

I don't know what they believe and I don't think they do either. Some people say the editorial team put out so much crap on a daily basis because they don't have time to read any of what's written as they're too busy indulging in same sex sauna sessions and drinking Buckfast. That's what some people say. Tweet

Gary Glitter books his flight

The Prime minister defends his vague plan to make people provide their own services cos he can't afford to any more in today's Guardian.

Obviously one of the reasons people don't just start their own hospital or sewage works is excessive paperwork and health & safety legislation which has had little effect on safety in the workplace ( or maybe it has? )

With this thought at the front of his mind David said

  "And if someone wants to help out with children, we will sweep away the criminal record checks and health and safety laws that stop them."


Within 30 secs of this being published Gary Glitter started typing up his CV, and a thank you letter to David his king kiddie pimp. Tweet

It's them bloody foreigners

Boom in immigration helped cause the economic crisis, says Cameron

Haven't read much of the article, but then often with the dm that's the idea, so I'm taking the average reader's take on the matter.

First it was Brown's fault we're in the schtick, then it was down to a particularly cold snap but finally the real reason / prejudice.

It's all down to the immigrants.

We just need to find some sort of final solution to this problem now.

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It's obvious when you think about it

An inspired piece of brain-work is reported in the DM today


Think about it...


"David Cameron plans to get Britain back to work by making it easier to sack staff in the first two years of their employment."




In other developments Fire-Chiefs are demanding all extinguishers are filled with petrol to help in the fight against fire, fried egg and chips are to be prescribed to help the morbidly obese and dentists are demanding all teeth be knocked out of 10 year olds to reduce the number of fillings.






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W.W.M.D (What would Maggie do?)

Is it time to bring some Thatcherism to the current recession?

The bankers will not do as the Coalition government promised they'd make them.

Naughty boys

Is there an argument to copy Mrs Thatcher's actions when an industry thumbs its nose at the country?


If we were being held to ransom by a powerful coal mining union, threatening the country with armageddon and financial ruin if they don't get their own way what should the Prime minister do?


Two options:

1) Go along with their demands because the consequences of upsetting them are bad, and so cement the reliance of the county's financial integrity on them more-so.

Or

2) Stand up to them. Call their bluff, ride out and ignore the resulting social breakdown in the areas affected by the resulting shutdown of the industry. Then build the economy on another footing.


Thatcher did number 2 with the miners and built an economy on Finance.

Does anyone think Cameron has the foresight and bravery to do the same with the over-powerful finance industry and rebuild our manufacturing base? Tweet

Shopkeepers vs Stockbrokers

I was going to use this opportunity to discuss the rights and wrongs of inheritance tax prompted by the news that David Cameron has just trousered £300k tax free following the unfortunate death of his father.

Daily Mail's take on it

A lot of the comments seem to think this is a none story and according to one contributor;

"£2,696,771 is a nice windfall but it's hardly a fortune these days. It's certainly not a life-changing sum to anyone who has managed to accrue a bit of personal wealth, now is it? - Stu Stu "




I disagree, I think the almost £3m estate is considerable. He earned this money as a stockbroker and this got me thinking about stockbrokers in general.

Stockbrokers buy and sell stuff, much like a corner shopkeeper. Subsequently they can only really work as hard as a shopkeeper. In fact less hard as I imagine their day has considerably less heavy lifting and driving to Cost-co to stock up on cases of Lucozade.

Also they're buying and selling with someone else's money so any losses will hurt someone else much more than themselves.

We often hear of the long hours and pressure that these fellows have to endure for their massive paypacket, but what would a day actually involve for a less scrupulous man than Mr Cameron?

Got into the office at 6am, the Asians have already started trading so I need to know what they're into today. So I spend the first couple of hours reading the internet and MSNing my mates to see what they think.

About 10 o clock (After I've had breakfast delivered) I notice that some stock I bought in Puffin futures in Iceland have plummeted. It may be because people there have recently had their first KFC franchise. This means they have cottoned onto the fact that puffins taste like tyres dipped in putrid fish guts, even compared to a family bucket of the Colonel's finest.

Anyway I need an out as I'm haemorrhaging money. Easy fix though, I ring round the good ole boys and get them to buy into Puffins for me. The sudden interest by so many people in these worried looking birds fires the price back up and I sell as soon as I can, even making a small profit. Close call there.

I buy the boys lunch somewhere expensive to thank them and we celebrate with some of Columbia's finest. Back at the office I buy into Puffin futures as they seem to be going through the roof for some reason and then continue my celebrating by raping one of the cleaners in the toilets...

And it continues like this I imagine until he can't fit any more cash in his bank account... Tweet