Daily Mail secretly switches allegiance.

The Leopard changes its spots and believes that Ed Balls has the answers after all!

Balls to Osborne

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The great global warming scam

The Daily Mail uncovers those dastardly scientists have been pulling the wool over our eyes for years and actually the planet's A/C is set to cool. Don't take their word for it, here's a graph so you know they've got their science shit together.

Irrefutable eh? Look at the "Heavy Black Line" it's close to the edge of the 95% confidence interval. This surely means that - sometime in the future - it'll fall outside of that and we can all start filling up the Land Rover with leaded four star and piping the fumes directly into kitten's lungs. No harm, no foul - the graph says they'll be fine.

Let's think about it though what it's saying in the real world is that there's a 5% chance any data point could fall outside that range. Five points in every hundred will be above or below the light red area.

So how often do we ever see a 5% chance coming off? Perhaps the Daily Mail has some examples...

Hmm every now and again then.

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Defending Kate's honour

How dare they eh? I don't know how they've got the nerve. Fancy printing photos of our future Queen  with her Boobies out. It's disgusting filth is what it is. The French - and by French I mean generally foreign - press ought to be ashamed of themselves taking photos of a lady when she's in a state of undress. It's unseemly.

I tell you what I'm glad to see the Mail agrees with me too. That last bastion of common sense and proportional response has set it's wisest lady journalist to put the record straight.

Right on Suzanne, the disgusting Euro-pervs looking at our Duchesses lovely jubblys is not something we should tolerate. I expect nothing more from your upstanding publication, guardian of our morals. Good on you.


On a completely separate note here's a picture looking up the Duchess of Cambridge's skirt kindly published on the Mail-online's website. Nice arse eh Suzanne? Phwoar!!!

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The sad truth about Whitney Houston's death

Whitney Houston's tragic early death came as a shock. When celebrities die unexpectedly it does jolt you a little, you feel as though you sort of know them just because they're there or there abouts in your life, in the papers, on TV or playing on your car stereo.

For this reason you feel a natural urge to find out what happened, how and why.

Luckily the Daily Mail doesn't let us down and seeks out the facts of a hideous situation, carefully weeding out the lies, disinformation and conspiracies to leave us with the truth distilled and pure so we can start mourning and remembering.

In Whitney's case the horrible truth is what we all feared; it was the drink that got her...

Although this may have been provoked by her secret gay life...

Or if not the pain of not being able to choose the right woman, maybe it was choosing the wrong men...

Whichever it was she knew that things weren't right because she was regularly visiting her doctor...

Or more likely she knew things weren't right because she'd had a premonition and wanted to see Jesus - presumably the son of God, and not the Mexican fella who owns a taco stall near her house...

This really is getting into the realms of the crazy. There's no way Miss Houston predicted her own death, why would she? That's what rising football star Aaron Ramsey is for...

So there you have all the facts you need to know about the tragic demise of a talented singer. Reporting that makes editor Paul Dacre proud informs us that the singer died due to drink and drink & drugs because she was a secret lesbian who was haunted by the toxic men in her life and so knew time was running short due to her doctors visits and religious visions and Premier league goal stats. I feel I can start mourning now the truth is known.

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Daily Mail urges manhunt against black immigrants

Squirrel Nutkin lived in simpler times. Back in his day the worst he had to worry about were angry owls and stylish tails and then it all changed. The greys arrived from the west and ousted the gingers from their position of nutty dominance leaving them freezing their, er, nuts off in the far north or gazing at Harry Rednap's barbecues across the water in the south.

I can see Harry's
bangers from here

If this ethnic cleansing is to be avoided again it's important we heed the Daily Mail's not-racist-at-all rightly scaremongering headline.

Rampage!! Yes Rampage - these new Black squirrels - yeah that's right I said it they're black - are rampaging through this once red and now happily grey and peaceful land.

According to Rob Waugh these feral little beasts have been rampaging through Bedfordshire for a hundred years and have managed to stamp their mark on their home-turf a massive fifty miles in that time. Well no one said rampages had to be fast.

Yes, it is because he is black.

Of course just because it's the Daily Mail and they don't like darkies coming over here and stealing our nuts, living in our trees and expecting acorns to be handed out like candy there's no reason to believe this story has any racist undertones. Obviously were there a similar story about white squirrels there'd be just as much panic and fear and we'd all be charged to keep and eye on the slippery newcomers.

Ahhh isn't she cute?

She's so pretty and looks at herself in the mirror like a person. Ahhh and she doesn't want to get her paws on your nuts or smoke crack in an abandoned magpie nest. Looking at her just makes you feel safer eh? Not like them bad-boy-black squirrels...

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Speedy Weegee

Some fantastic black and white photos from 30's & 40's photojournalist Weegee in the Mail today.

The sharp contrast gives a moody feel to the crime-ridden days of New York in the early 20th century and, as the Mail tell us, helped inspire Film Noir.

The headline informs us of his startling penchant for arriving at crime scenes before the police. This is beautifully illustrated by the accompanying photo of four policemen at a crime scene. I can only imagine he set up his camera and waited for them to arrive...

The Salvation Army stand guard until the
Rozzers arrive.

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Flipping the bird

How offensive is it to be 'flipped the bird'? Personally I'm not too bothered, there's often no vigour associated with it, kind of a lazy "I just don't care; jog on". It's certainly not as offensive as someone giving you the rods, something a little more violent about those.

But then I would think that as I'm a fully paid up member of the thought police (Still awaiting my warrant card) if you want to find out what the honest to goodness tax payers think of flipping the bird you need to go to the arbiter of public standards  - Our Lady the Daily Mail. Amen.

Luckily today's Mail has two stories about giving folk the finger (Not in a good way you understand) so we've double the sample size to base our findings on. Let's jump in.

The first story involves a woman, a bus driver and a missing 20p. I don't think the details are that important needless to say it ends up with a shocked woman staring at a single middle finger.

Blimey that's not very nice is it? All she did was scream at him for the duration of the bus ride, he really should man-up and take it on the chin, after all he's got that plastic screen thing protecting him from her spittle. The tone of the piece makes it very obvious that we're not to be impressed by the driver's actions - it's not big and it's not clever. But more importantly what do the readers think? Let's have a look at the top 6 rated comments.

Oooh people aren't very happy with him, and bus drivers in general it seems. So 'Flipping the bird' seems to be nasty. Let's confirm this with digit disgust story number 2.

So this unhappy Russian newsreader seems to have developed manual Tourette's syndrome which means every time she says "Barrack Obama" she has to unfurl the third finger, on the news, in front of 120 million current affairs loving Russians. So does showing off and acting clever in front of twice the population of the UK anger the Mail's loyal readership as much as a pissed off bus driver?

Apparently not.

So there it is, inconclusive evidence on the offensiveness of the bird. Flip it to an angry woman on public transport and it's bad, flip it to a leader of the free world and it's funny. However please keep in mind if you ever meet David Cameron on the bus all bets are off we just don't know what the etiquette is.

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Save money

Top Tip. Save the cost of the Daily Mail by finding the angriest tramp you can and asking them what they think of the darkies. Tweet

Remarkable new scientific method

The Mail's Science section is a kaleidoscope of wonder and nonsense that prove both how amazing the natural world can be and how little attention many wannabe journalists paid to science lessons at school.

Wednesdays are often a good day for misunderstood science stories as it's the day before New Scientist is published and the sneak previews offered to the press lead to many exaggerated claims about the health benefits or dangers of many a household object or how in just six months time we'll all be flying to the moon in a biscuit tin.

However it seems a new dawn is approaching. No longer content with nibbling at the scraps the scientific press throws from its table once a week it seems the Mail's leading a charge in expounding the merits of the new scientific method for the 21st century: Cartoonism.

This breakthrough, hinted at by Einstein in his twilight years and heralded by Stephen Hawkings as a god-send, opens the doors to a new century of discovery; a new renaissance; a better world for us all.

The method itself is so simple a journalist could grasp it. By visualising and then committing to paper  your hypothesis you bring it to life and thus prove it to be true.

A fine example in today's DM demonstrates that yes indeed the good people at Pixar know their archaeology and their nut chasing mammal Scrat really did exist. Look there's a cartoon!

Yes, proof indeed

Bolstered by this amazing piece of Crayola based research The Mail has undertaken more studies. The following discoveries are yet to be fully published in peer reviewed literature but their importance to mankind cannot be kept waiting.

Is this proof 

of cat loving 

aliens in our midst?

Using your car

does not cause

Global Warming 

evidence shows

By JAMES DELINGPOLE

New GPS system

will tell you where

your loved ones

are at any time.

Dolly the Sheep's

cloned offspring evolve

into her worst nightmare.

Proof.

Humans can survive

with fewer than six

organs medicine

discovers

Nearest stars closer

than scientists originally

thought

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Leave it, he's not worth it

Nick Clegg is probably one of the least liked politicians in the country - that's some achievement from a man who was so fantastically popular during the leader's debates, prior to the election, that queues of well-wishers used to form at his house with gifts and offers of domestic service. Now it's said he gets dog eggs delivered through his letterbox with aplomb envied by many a postman.

To be fair he has brought it on himself. If he hadn't been such a twat over admission fees perhaps his hallway wouldn't smell like a dirty protest and people wouldn't give the finger to the phone when they take his calls. So imagine if you had to spend five hours sat next to the man on a flight to Cairo. How much Business Class free booze would it take before you were telling him he's a grade A shit who sold out his principles for a sniff of power?

Did you drink my Buckfast?

Well according to the Mail it doesn't take any time at all. A fellow passenger was on him like a seagull on a saveloy, banging on about his party's reluctance to scrap the Human rights act. She was so wound up apparently that she had to be "physically restrained". Much as I don't like the man you've got to feel for someone who gets "verbally abused" for 5 hours by a, presumably, drunk mentalist.

Daniel Martin is acknowledged as the journalist who brought us this nearly story - in fact it's so lame as a story he ended up padding out the last third of the text with a totally bizarre un-related dig at Tony Blair's work and earnings since he left office. I imagine Daniel had been tasked to deliver 500 words about Clegg's traumatic flight got 300 words in and realised there was nothing else to say so he pasted in a few paragraphs from another story hoping no one would notice. Lazy get.

Eh?

He'd probably have been better off trying to find someone who was on the flight and getting a quote off of them to pad it out. That would appear to be easier than Daniel could have imagined too as the mountain came to Mohammed and a quote made its way onto the website unbidden.

There's a message in the comments section from Simon Windsor-Green, nestled among the usual retarded Hitler loving renta-quotes, who was on the plane and explains what actually went off. It seems it was actually very little.

I wonder if Daniel had known this before he submitted his half-arsed copy he'd have had to pad out the text even more. I like to think he'd have filled the space with a short tale of a man and his pet parrot who spoke of secrets and lies but then choked on a peanut, we'll never know and perhaps literature is poorer because of it.

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Hiding their light under a bushel

The fight for the Republican nomination for next year's US Presidential election is hotting up. Current darling of the GOP faithful is the batty pizza chef Herman Cain. His brand of quick fix, easy answer, low tax, ignore the rest of the world mentalness reminds them fondly of their previous slow-witted hero Dubya.

Cain's lack of interest in countries to the east or west of his country is best articulated with his pre-emptive tirade against journalists earlier this year;

"When they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I'm going to say, you know, I don't know. Do you know?"


I don't know Herman.


However the rantings of Herman aren't my main concern at the minute. I was wondering if there was some way of finding out how the wing-nuts at the Mail feel about a second term for Obama. Unfortunately they're keeping their position on the matter quiet. I'll keep digging and if I find a chink in their armour and a glint of what their opinion might be come the election I'll let you know.

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J'accuse Peter

In his Sunday Mail column this week 50's Teddy-boy fan Peter Hitchens dares people to accuse him of 'moral panic'. Why - in this specific case - would you want to accuse the perennially grumpy old sod of moral panic you may ask? Well Peter does his best to regale us of a horrible case of persecution, bullying and intimidation that were heaped upon the undeserving Fiona Pilkington and her daughter.

These horrendous events are a clear demonstration that the world has slid into a mire of lefty lawlessness with benefit baddies running amok. His main stab at a point revolves around the fact that these heinous type of events did not occur when there was fear of the law. He seems to think that the past was a country bereft of evil, although if you do a quick search you'll find plenty of cases of people coming forward with their horror stories of abuse and harm inflicted on the vulnerable by people in positions of power; nuns & priests for instance.

Perhaps Peter pines for an age where there seems to be much less vicious crime purely because it's reported less. Hear no evil, speak no evil so there can't be any evil?

That's not Peter's view of course he believes that it's a fear or reluctance of intervention by authorities that allows offenders to get away with their actions. As he paraphrases them "We can do anything we want..." Why can they do anything they want? Surely because no one is stopping them.

A little further down his rant - past a piece whimsically praising stay at home mothers and pinafores - he tells a tale of a stroll through modern Britain, presumably taken by himself. In this stroll he comes across a "Menacing young man" who looks like he's going to attack a group of young women with pushchairs. Does Peter - a man in a position of authority, a respectable pillar of the community, a guiding light and example to millions of readers - intervene and try to protect these young women vulnerable to attack. Well you'd imagine he would, he spent a few hundred words not far up the page criticising a lack of intervention, but of course he doesn't. Apparently there's no sign of authority and he's not interested in helping. He's not interested in making the country better, he's not interested in looking out for the weak, he's not interested in challenging offenders.

He is interested in spying on a scene of potential violent crime, writing about this as an increasing amount of evidence of 'moral panic' in modern Britain and pocketing a big fat cheque for the privilege though.

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A beautiful mind (set)

Over at Angrymob Uponnothing welcomed the unveiling of the Mail's collection of Bloggers grouped together under the heading "Rightminds" - I did wonder what you called a group of reactionary drama queens and now we know. I thought a 'Horror' or maybe a 'Lynching' were more likely candidates, apparently not.

They have brought together some of the oddest minds in journalism to eek out bilge, fear, uncertainty and doubt into an undeserving world, but - believe it or not - this isn't the A-team they're fielding.

I've been lucky enough to get hold of a early draft of Simon Heffer's wanted list that he dropped onto Paul Dacre's desk. Unfortunately in these days of extravagant transfer fees and ill-timed deaths he couldn't quite pull together the Championship winning team that could compete with Fox news - but his fantasy team is below, imagine what we could have won.

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Tongue-twist news

Obviously experimenting with a new way to drag in readers it appears the Health (now with extra super-dangerous advice on how to get, avoid or cook up a tasty treat made of cancer) section is utilising tongue twisters as headlines.

Or maybe it's the punchline to a racist joke about Ambre Solaire unexpectedly finding its way into a Chinese takeaway?

Note - there's no link to the story as it appears the cool http://istyosty.com/ website that allows you to link to Daily Mail stories without having to link to Mailonline itself has been threatened with legal action if it doesn't jack it in. This is such a shame and I certainly hope the good people / person responsible finds some clever way of moving the site to Nepal or the Arctic and letting vindictive bloggers like myself keep away the six or eight hits a day from their advertising revenue that obviously keep the wolves away from Paul Dacre's door.


Have a look at the site - especially exhibit B showing an example of the Mail copying someone else's work and passing it off as their own. 


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The good old days

A hundred and eleven years ago would probably seem like a golden age of freedom and power to your common or garden Mail reader.

The happiness that a world free from the EU, hoards of immigrants, grasping public sector workers bathing in bath-tubs of pound coins and being taxed by the hilt to pay for all this would bring the majority of their readership to a joyful judder followed by a blanket of bliss.

Unfortunately - as this story shows - the editorial stance even back in the glory days was one of terrifying forbearance of the future and a desire to suck the happiness of life and replace it with fear of, well everything  really.

As you see - concerns about the drop in population (Would immigration help here maybe???) Cancerous towns, bringing wealth to Northerners and in turn stealing it from the impoverished land-owning families - I believe the Duke of Westminster's family are still trying to come to terms with the loss os cash over a century later.

On a positive note looking into the future they did manage to predict the channel tunnel (first proposed in 1802) so kudos there.

The celebration / commiseration special edition was published on the eve of 1901 and the start of a brave new century, but a lot of worrying stuff was going on in 1900.

The Labour Party was formed, or as today's Mail would have it "First steps to anarchy as the work shy plot to steal companies from under your nose"


The Mines act stops children under 13 working at the coal face;
"Now do-gooders increase the cost of coal - will you freeze this winter?"


Jews fleeing persecution in europe make the east end their home;
"Christians forced out of their own homes to make way for immigrants who refuse to fit in"


Zeppelins make their maiden flights;
"Terror from the skies - flying machines show German scientists have gone too far"


Women start to campaign for the vote;
"Suffragettes: first votes then trousers, where will this madness end?"


The number of horses on the streets of London leads to a massive problem with manure;
"Horse-shit zealots want to tax your hay"


And so it goes on, the unhappy lot of a Daily Mail reader terrified the world's out to get him and his cash. It's unbelievable to think it's possible to keep up that level of anxiety for over one hundred years, it must be exhausting.

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