Sunday, 30 January 2011

Five Chinese Crackers: Tabloid bullshit of the month - January 2011

Five Chinese Crackers: Tabloid bullshit of the month - January 2011

As always a brilliant shot back at the scaremongers.

Also got to link to the Guardians banker jokes.

Yes yes, very droll.

Best Blogger Tips

To me, to you...

Coalition government's education policy laid out in all its glory

Other Whitehall departments are said to be following suit an senior source today revealed.

"Poor quality comedians are the future of this country. Their steadfastness in the face of adversity are what this nation needs to restore its place in the world. Any man who can stand and intentionally attempt to make a room full of people laugh - despite being as funny as a winter gas bill - deserves the opportunity to show us how our public services should be run.

To this end Eddie Large will be managing a busy A&E department in Oldham, Des O'Connor will be asked to take a lead on hunting down benefit scroungers and Paul McShane - of Hi-de-hi fame - will take over from Sir John Chilcot to head the inquiry into the Iraq war."

No official comment was made by number ten who are understood to be struggling to choose between Ant and Dec as the new communications chief.
Best Blogger Tips

Friday, 28 January 2011

Daily Heil

Must admit it took me a few seconds to get it without the name... Best Blogger Tips

It's them bloody foreigners

Boom in immigration helped cause the economic crisis, says Cameron

Haven't read much of the article, but then often with the dm that's the idea, so I'm taking the average reader's take on the matter.

First it was Brown's fault we're in the schtick, then it was down to a particularly cold snap but finally the real reason / prejudice.

It's all down to the immigrants.

We just need to find some sort of final solution to this problem now.

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

It really does say this...

No really this is a headline

Quite an interesting article, which basically shows that sometimes a good one parent family unit is better for children than a bad two parent family. Not rocket science, but not exactly on-message for the wedding happy daily.

Hence the headline above - and you just know that deep down inside they were itching to mention how it could improve property prices and take the overall 'brown quotient' of the streets down a notch.

Best Blogger Tips

Monday, 24 January 2011

Goldilocks and the three fatties

One's too thin, one's too fat and the last one is juuuuust right.

Best Blogger Tips

What are they feeding them?

A shocking headline in today's DM

Now I've heard about this sort of thing in the arctic circle, I think it was on QI, trappers eating nothing but rabbits and despite, gorging themselves, becoming malnourished due to a lack of vitamins or something. It could have been seal blubber.

Anyway something similar is obviously being served by Co. Antrim's social services as that's the only way I can imagine a thieving carer eating so many of someone else's meals they become malnourished.

Maybe it's polar bear liver. Best Blogger Tips

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Worried Winston

Moustachioed medical maestro Lord Winston has been questioning if the government's NHS reforms will improve the services on offer or actually lead to a decline in service.

For better or for worse?

In my opinion the reforms are not an effort to improve the NHS's services more an attempt to introduce the potential for someone, anyone, to make some money.

GPs are not business managers, at school I hope they paid more attention in Biology that they did in Business studies and I bet few of them had any interest in running the school bank or flogging fake Rolexes to their classmates.

A lot of them still won't be interested, but now they've no option. Unless of course they employ some sort of management company to do this admin for them. Bingo there we have it, there's money to be made here.

I believe making a profit from public services reduces the quality of those services.

Wherever there is profit to be made in public service you are effectively removing money from that service. Pay £100 to get your broken arm fixed to a public institution and the ineffectiveness associated with the public sector will mean you only get value from three quarters of your money. So £75 worth of plaster-cast care is what you'd receive.

The private sector is a different kettle of fish though. Much more slick and effective, They'd be up there at 85% effectiveness so maybe you're onto a good thing? Except there's the profit that needs to be taken first. So remove the lucky shareholder's £20 and then you'll actually get 85% of you £80 or £68 worth of nursey care. So not great value really.

These numbers are plucked from the air but the principle stands. Where something is done for profit you always need to remove the shareholder's Barbados trip cash before starting to spend money on the service. Therefore you get less stuff for your money.

However if there's money to be made you'll get more than one person trying to grab the cash. Competition occurs and maybe the patient can get a slightly better deal. Company A may be saving for his Barbados trip but Company B has smaller ambitions and has his eye on a fortnight in Benidorm. So maybe company B will be cheaper. This philosophy of market forces runs through the conservative mindset and many think the NHS would be improved if competition were greater and the potential to make a buck the driver. A privatised NHS would offer this opportunity.

Is turning doctors into small-businessmen the thin end of the wedge? The Conservatives have always pledged allegiance to the principles of the NHS, ensuring it is free at point of contact, but deep down inside I feel they harbour a a grizzling grudge that public opinion wouldn't allow privatisation; even if it offered a better service at less cost to the tax payer.

The Health secretary, Andrew Lansley, has been on Radio 4 last week answering listeners questions and left an email address where he promised to answer any more questions posed. The email address is here

So I've asked the hypothetical question. If a privatised NHS could be guaranteed to offer a better service at a reduced cost to the public purse would he consider it as a way forward? Best Blogger Tips

Friday, 21 January 2011

The President's evil wife

Something must be done. Who can stop her on her crazy crusade to kill kids with cars. The Daily Mail that's who.

Michelle Obama's been accused of increasing the average number of pedestrians mowed down in the States by seven people in six months. She has managed this evil deed by the Machiavellian masterstroke of encouraging children to walk to school.

Michelle Obama blamed for rise in pedestrian deaths in the U.S.

Last updated at 11:04 AM on 21st January 2011

She's just a devil woman

How on earth this ever became a rational thought never mind a story in a newspaper beggars belief.

There is absolutely no evidence at all that her Let's Move! initiative is in any way linked to increased pedestrian deaths, and it's difficult to imagine how they could be. The road fatality figures were for the first six months of the year. The Let's move! programme was kicked off in February. Never before has a government initiative had such an immediate effect, especially one that encourages people to be more uncomfortable.

The Let's Move! programme isn't simply about encouraging children to walk to school it's designed to help children live an all round healthier life in an effort to reduce the increasing childhood obesity problem seen in the States.

Why am I even arguing. Only an insane idiot, who was feeling a little below the weather and had just banged his head with a divvy stick would even give this the slightest serious consideration.

It's crazy that sensationalist nonsense like this would be published in America, but expected. She is black and a Democrat and so must be up to something bad. I'm surprised she's not being tried on Fox for shoplifting vodka from Netto.

But why would it be a story here in the UK? Is it just the fact that a negative headline about anyone with none rabid-reactionary views gives a warm fuzzy feeling to the haters? Best Blogger Tips

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Up the coal chute

An email from a friend and potential brother-in-arms against the madness peddled by the DM;

There has been a news story recently about a gay civil partnership couple that were refused a double room in a hotel run by a couple of elderly Christians.  They took the hotel owners to court alleging that their policy of only allowing double rooms to married heterosexuals is discriminatory and they won the case.  When I first heard this story I headed straight over to the Daily Mail to read their take on it. As you are an aficionado of the Daily Mail readers comments section I think you'll be agree that they have excelled themselves. Some of my favourite bits:
  • Looking for a hotel in York for ourselves (normal man and wife) I saw hotels advertising gay friendly. As someone who has spent forty years working in a hard dirty coal delivery job I naturally would feel uncomfortable in one of those establishments
I would have said that working with hard, dirty coal chutes would have toughened him a bit.
  • I'll stand shoulder to shoulder with them when it comes to the perversion that calls itself justice in this country. The thought that a corrupt judiciary can dictate how I think is not going to happen. I will not to my last breath bow down to this farce that masquerades as justice.
  • This country has gone totally mad
An unusual comment from a DM reader, usually it's the whole world that's gone mad.
  • Why are we forced to accept homosexuality? Why do those who are gay have to shove it down our throats?
Huh huh huh. Double entendre.
  • I'm sure these hotel owners would be shocked by what some of their married heterosexual guests get up to in their rooms. some of it is certainly forbidden by the Bible.
Ox coveting I imagine. Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Ban Battery Acid for the sake of the children

Today's dangerous health scare in the DM aims to frighten parents about antibiotics.

Antibiotics increase risk of IBS and Crohn's disease in children in later life

Last updated at 9:10 AM on 18th January 2011

Unfortunately Sophie appears to have misunderstood the output of the study.

Link to Sophie's take on the matter

Luckily, someone far clever than me has listed and corrected the errors on an NHS website. It can be found here

The question this article, and the many others the DM publishes in its Health section, poses is one of morality.

Imagine I was to offer advice on getting rid of a nose wart to a friend. The friend would be aware that I'm not a wart specialist. In fact my advice about wiping it with bacon and the burying the meat in the garden on a full moon would (hopefully) be ignored. However even if it wasn't ignored there's no harm done - maybe a single missing rasher at breakfast.

Now consider I recommend dipping the nose wart in a cup of battery acid. This could cause some Daniella Westbrooke style damage.

My friend is still very much aware of my lack of credentials and would undoubtably seek reassurance of this treatment. Hopefully from someone a little more knowledgeable than me. This is likely to stop them hurting themselves.

But what if I posed as a source of professional opinion.

What if, every single day, I spouted off about all warty things to a remarkably large audience. What if I was dressed up as a reputable wart expert and used wart expert language and even (mis-)quoted known wart professionals.

What if I did all this and then said;

Battery Acid cures nose warts
Last updated at 9:10 AM on 18th January 2011

Don't get me wrong I'd probably follow up this statement with some bumf about how useful noses are and it's probably best only to try this procedure on your right nose, just to be on the safe side. that way you've got a spare nose should something go wrong.

After making a statement as a de-facto expert am I accountable for any nasal damage that occurs because people believe what I said?

Being a good friend I'd probably be up close for the disastrous face maiming that would follow, and this might well have an effect on my future advice giving.

If I was a bad friend however I might well never see the consequences of the acid sniffing. Or maybe I do see and think that there's milage in this. If that was the case would I think maybe here's a bandwagon just waiting to be jumped on. Oh the horror!

Car batteries are eating our children's faces
Last updated at 9:30 AM on 18th January 2011

The question it poses is "If I manage to get Battery acid banned. How many noses have I saved?"

Best Blogger Tips

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Spot the difference

The use of punctuation for propaganda purposes is beautifully demonstrated by Glen Owen. In his report of an Ed Miliband speech he shows how Ed thinks the Coalition is right in its drastic cuts.


Mail says:
We were too slow to acknowledge .  .  . that there would eventually have to be cuts.’

Miliband actually says:

From New Statesman's transcript of the speech

Why was the last Labour government too slow in the language that we used, after the financial crisis had created a big deficit, to acknowledge what our own plans implied, that there would eventually have to be cuts? Part of the answer is that we hadn't shown other ways of delivering social justice.

Is this the same as just making up quotes?

If you look through the whole of the speech and put the ... in the right places I'm sure you can get him to admit to all manner of crimes...

"We turned a blind eye ... to the squeezing time of our families"  Clearly demonstrating his love of suffocating children. Best Blogger Tips

Saturday, 15 January 2011

The Master Plan

What would Nelson say? asks the DM today as it's announced that one of the statues due to grace the fourth plinth in Trafalger Square will pass a resemblance to a Frenchy symbol.

Dead Admiral's opinion sought

Unfortunately we'll never know as I doubt he has the internet access or rabid right wing views required to get published in a moderated comments section of a Mailonline story.

Luckily we do know exactly what Bronco says;
This is all part of the master plan, to hand over the keys of our country to the EU junta, say it isn't so. The seeds they do sow, to reap as the nation is asleep..Apathy is the disease, as they take our country with ease, the political collaborators have slipped them the keys......................

This is the master plan. The strategy to remove all powers from our democratically elected government and control us from the capital of evil - Brussels - involves putting a  twelve foot bright blue chicken on a stand in London. In 2013. For a year.

I think we'll make it through this latest attack somehow. Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

It'll be all there on the P60

Bob Diamond has today been giving evidence to a commons select committee focusing heavily on the upcoming banking bonus season.

Ching ching

He seems - from most reports - to be, frankly, fed up with the fact we're still banging on about having to give the banks all that money. After all we didn't give his bank any real cash and they've managed to make a profit in these lean times. No mean feat I'd imagine.

Bizarrely enough some DM readers agree. Take Recaf in London;

Why all the fuss? 52% of every bonus will be paid in tax (50% income tax, 2% NI), so we should be encouraging them to pay bigger bonuses if anything. The more they get, the more we get. Simple.

This seems to be the main argument for allowing the excessive payments. The recipients will pay tax on it, and because of the higher rate it will be up to 50%!

 Aside from the fact much of the bonuses will be paid in shares I find it unlikely that the cash renumeration will be going through PAYE.

Apparently these people are at the top of their game, they're unbeatable in the magic world of making money out of fresh air; so much so that if we didn't pay them lorry loads of cash they'd simply up sticks and leave for the Toblerone nirvana of Geneva. Or Singapore (Less Toblerones outside of the airport though)

If this really is the case then I think it's unlikely the money-harvesters of HMRC will be getting their full whack. They must have many a crafty trick hidden up their pin-striped sleeves in order to dodge that bullet.

Oddly another common opinion gracing the DM comments is that Tax dodging (avoiding not evading. Evading is bad) is the prudent and probably patriotic thing to do. In fact you should be in prison if you don't do it.

Is it conceivable that it's both right to take a massive bonus because you'll be paying a lot of tax on it at the same time as it's the right thing to avoid paying as much tax as you can?

Best Blogger Tips

Monday, 10 January 2011

It's obvious when you think about it

An inspired piece of brain-work is reported in the DM today

Think about it...

"David Cameron plans to get Britain back to work by making it easier to sack staff in the first two years of their employment."

In other developments Fire-Chiefs are demanding all extinguishers are filled with petrol to help in the fight against fire, fried egg and chips are to be prescribed to help the morbidly obese and dentists are demanding all teeth be knocked out of 10 year olds to reduce the number of fillings.

Best Blogger Tips

Sunday, 9 January 2011


The awful shooting in Tuscon, Arizona was a horrendous tragedy. The Mail listed the facts at the top of its article:

  • Six killed and 13 injured in Tucson shooting
  • Federal judge and 9-year-old girl among dead
  • Giffords 'able to follow simple commands' after brain surgery
  • Heated political climate blamed for tensions 
  • Gunman to appear in court charged on five counts
  • CCTV image released of 'second suspect'

Read more:

Rightly they kept the most important (if that's another word for inane) aspect of the story for the headline:

American politician shot in the head by gunman who left six dead is cousin of Gwyneth Paltrow

Well first cousin once removed, but it's close enough.
Best Blogger Tips

Finding the truth is easy. FACT.

There's a very easy way to determine if something you read is true or not, I'll give you an example from Drew in Nottingham;

"Clearly, not a great deal of intellect in Oldham; They're all crying into they cornflakes because the Coalition going to start making them work for their money...... The average Brit isn't stupid - cities primarily vote Labour and Labour voter on average have a much lower IQ, so are much easier to manipulate as Labour have done for generations while their two-faced politicians live it up. And what is wrong with the truth - the above is yet another unspoken FACT. YES FACT. And is the only explanation for Labour EVER being in power for three terms of Government. The percentage of voters with intelligence who actually still choose to vote Labour in this country is so miniscule they would have a hope of election. And no, I'm not talking about the 'my degree would only get me an O'Level 30 years ago' generation, who vote Labour thanks to their illusions of deceit cast on the naive and inexperienced for 13 years. If ever they get back I hope they face national anarchy...

Read more:"

You see it? It's really frightfully simple and used in many comments on the Daily Mail. FACT.

By typing (Always in Caps, like you're a bit slow) FACT after any statement it becomes the undoubted truth.

This is actually hardwired into the internet by, oh I don't know, NASA. It is impossible to type FACT after something that's not a fact. FACT.


The sky is green FACT

Sheffield United are a great football club FACT

The Daily Mail is the best place to get a balanced and informed view on world events FACT

Try it yourself.
Best Blogger Tips

Friday, 7 January 2011

W.W.M.D (What would Maggie do?)

Is it time to bring some Thatcherism to the current recession?

The bankers will not do as the Coalition government promised they'd make them.

Naughty boys

Is there an argument to copy Mrs Thatcher's actions when an industry thumbs its nose at the country?

If we were being held to ransom by a powerful coal mining union, threatening the country with armageddon and financial ruin if they don't get their own way what should the Prime minister do?

Two options:

1) Go along with their demands because the consequences of upsetting them are bad, and so cement the reliance of the county's financial integrity on them more-so.


2) Stand up to them. Call their bluff, ride out and ignore the resulting social breakdown in the areas affected by the resulting shutdown of the industry. Then build the economy on another footing.

Thatcher did number 2 with the miners and built an economy on Finance.

Does anyone think Cameron has the foresight and bravery to do the same with the over-powerful finance industry and rebuild our manufacturing base? Best Blogger Tips

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

East Asian country outed as unfunniest place on planet

After seeing off the evil, floppy haired, pensioner hating Jonathan Ross the Daily Mail's moved on to TV Enemy No 2 - Frankie Boyle.

He's very rude

His filthy mouth and tasteless attacks on absolutely everybody (He may be the least prejudiced man in the country. No one is safe...) have been giving the paper chest pains and with his hit and miss Channel four series Tramadol nights, and now to add insult to injury he's had the audacity to bring his potty mouth to the BBC.

This is bad (despite the DM's similar distaste for the publicly funded broadcaster) and to prove it's bad they quoted two Twitter comments saying it is bad.

This was not backed up by the DM's own commentator's though, who appear to actually find his ravings hilarious!

Well most of them anyway. Norman Churcher from Hastings has this opinion;
it's not comedy, mr grumpy. if there's anyone less funny on this planet, i'd like to know who they are. probably from outer mongolia. meanwhile, i object strongly to the beeb spending my licence fee money on hiring boyle
I can only assume Mr Churcher is an avid explorer and has compared and contrasted many humorous anecdotes from far and wide across the globe. His careful assessment of the Yak based humour system used in much of central Asia has left him in no doubt.

Mongolians = not funny Best Blogger Tips

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Tax hikes start to bite

It's not funny now.

Just found out the VAT rise has increased the canteen prices!

The students had the right idea... Best Blogger Tips

Mixed Messages

The controversial VAT increase comes into force today in the UK. This increase poses a problem for the Daily Mail’s readers as it’s a tax rise and so is fundamentally bad, but on the other hand it’ll sting dirty benefit scroungers more than most, so must be good.

The newspaper itself seems to be hedging its bets and not predicting the world’s end. Instead the main focus seems to be on the amount of money it could cost businesses.

The reader’s comments, on the other hand, are definitely in favour of the rise. John from Leicester says;

Bring it on!!!!!! At last a tax that everyone has to pay, not just the hard working middle class taxpayer. Lets hear the feckless benefit scroungers squeal when their flat screen TV's go up.Ah bless, their mobile phone bills will rise, they shouldn't be able to afford mobile phones. Not sure if cigarettes are taxable but you can just hear them sqealing if they are. Is beer subject to VAT. I hope so because the benefit scroungers probably consume more than the average taxpayer. Yeah, bring it on!!!!!”

The logic seems to be that he can afford to pay the tax without having too much of a detrimental effect on his lifestyle, whereas someone with less money (And anyone with less money than him must surely be the world’s laziest / most pathetic person it seems) will notice the pain. This could only be a good thing as it would teach them not to have less money than him?

I wonder if he’d apply the same logic to an increase in income tax at the higher rate.  If you increase the top rate from 50% to say 57% all the payers would still be able to live in the manner to which they are accustomed but would be doing their patriotic duty to help reduce the deficit.  

Of course the downside of this is that it’s a glee-free change. No one really suffers in a meaningful way. Least of all people who earn less money than the thriving John.
Best Blogger Tips

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Shopkeepers vs Stockbrokers

I was going to use this opportunity to discuss the rights and wrongs of inheritance tax prompted by the news that David Cameron has just trousered £300k tax free following the unfortunate death of his father.

Daily Mail's take on it

A lot of the comments seem to think this is a none story and according to one contributor;

"£2,696,771 is a nice windfall but it's hardly a fortune these days. It's certainly not a life-changing sum to anyone who has managed to accrue a bit of personal wealth, now is it? - Stu Stu "

I disagree, I think the almost £3m estate is considerable. He earned this money as a stockbroker and this got me thinking about stockbrokers in general.

Stockbrokers buy and sell stuff, much like a corner shopkeeper. Subsequently they can only really work as hard as a shopkeeper. In fact less hard as I imagine their day has considerably less heavy lifting and driving to Cost-co to stock up on cases of Lucozade.

Also they're buying and selling with someone else's money so any losses will hurt someone else much more than themselves.

We often hear of the long hours and pressure that these fellows have to endure for their massive paypacket, but what would a day actually involve for a less scrupulous man than Mr Cameron?

Got into the office at 6am, the Asians have already started trading so I need to know what they're into today. So I spend the first couple of hours reading the internet and MSNing my mates to see what they think.

About 10 o clock (After I've had breakfast delivered) I notice that some stock I bought in Puffin futures in Iceland have plummeted. It may be because people there have recently had their first KFC franchise. This means they have cottoned onto the fact that puffins taste like tyres dipped in putrid fish guts, even compared to a family bucket of the Colonel's finest.

Anyway I need an out as I'm haemorrhaging money. Easy fix though, I ring round the good ole boys and get them to buy into Puffins for me. The sudden interest by so many people in these worried looking birds fires the price back up and I sell as soon as I can, even making a small profit. Close call there.

I buy the boys lunch somewhere expensive to thank them and we celebrate with some of Columbia's finest. Back at the office I buy into Puffin futures as they seem to be going through the roof for some reason and then continue my celebrating by raping one of the cleaners in the toilets...

And it continues like this I imagine until he can't fit any more cash in his bank account... Best Blogger Tips