Half a year of quality entertainment

As mentioned in a few other blogs today (here and here for example) the Daily Mail is taking a routine pop at the BBC for making a joke on radio 4 in which short-necked comedian Sandi Toksvig said...

Sandi isn't fazed by the adverse publicity

The joke, likening the Tory government fruitlessly holding back the tide of the deficit to the Viking King Cnut, has gone down as another example of the plummeting standards delivered by the BBC since they started wasting the license fee on such whims as colour TV.

The joke was actually broadcast over six months ago roughly the same time the Daily Mail started it's infatuation with the high-brow entertainment provided by ITV2 with "The only way is Essex"

It's an oddity how the Mail devotes so much copy to this televisual exploitation of fuck-tards as if it's some important reflection of the state of the nation. Since the beginning of the year they've managed to write almost 130 articles on the programme and what its dimwitted stars are wearing. That's five stories a week, most of them in the vein of:- "Woman gets pissed wearing a short skirt."

You'd imagine from the column inches devoted to it the average Mail reader is an avid viewer of this programme, but that doesn't seem to be the case. TOWIE (as we're to call it) reached its peak with a million viewers according to this story whereas the Daily Mail says it enjoys over four million readers every day.

As the vast majority of its readers have probably never seen the programme why would the paper write about it almost every day and even fork out to send it's chief resident harridan Liz Jones to Marbella in order tell us how awful she finds them. (That's saying something from a woman who today wondered, out loud, if modern medicine is keeping people alive too long) Is it maybe, just maybe, that if they publish enough photos of drunk women in very short skirts there's a chance that one day they'll catch a glimpse of a cnut?

There's no evidence this
is Liz Jones

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No stone unturned

In the Daily Express' European Comment today Paul Nuttall, a UKIP MEP, invokes the important work of the bureau of investigative  journalism in publicising the excessive use by the European Commission of their corporate charge cards.

In a flowery piece of prose rallying against the Eurocrats and evoking images from classical history he even found the time to do some hard hitting investigative journalism of his own.

Apparently if you type the words "European Union" and waste into google you get over 35,000,000 hits. An inspired piece of sleuthing that finally puts to bed any doubts that the EU is an evil waste of your money. Woodward & Bernstein look out.

Inspired by his out-of-the-box thinking and left-field methods I tried some deep dive investigation of my own. Well I actually put the bins out first, otherwise I'll forget then have to do it before going to work in the morning and that always makes me a bit late and, oh anyway the journalism...

I typed the words "Daily Express waste" into google and got 52,500,000 hits. So what does this tell us? Some cynics might say it tells us nothing you f*cking dummy, but would they be right?

Probably yes, but let's head down the rabbit hole anyway into a world where this is significant. The Daily Express is responsible for 1.5 times the waste of the EU. If the bureau's data is to be believed it appears the Daily Express has pissed more than €11,000,000 of your cash up the wall on private jet travel. Something should probably be done.

Spurred on by my insightful discovery I toyed with setting up a campaign to demand a referendum on getting us out of the Express, but soon realised this would be a waste of my highly trained newshound skills.

Get us out
NOW!

Instead I opted for another bout of snooping into a murky hidden world that demands to be highlighted.

If you type the words "European hairy women" into Google you get over 30,000,000 hits and the shock of your life. Tweet

The game's up

In the world according to Hitchens & Littlejohn I believe I find myself as a card carrying member of the liberal elite. I've yet to look into the benefits afforded to me by this membership but assume that they include some sort of discount on organic tofu and the right to wear sandals with socks in public; without hindrance from the fascist-fashion police. Also I've yet to receive my card, which is probably down to the work-shy communists busy stealing birthday money from cards in the post office.

Anyway even without my card I am fully aware of all the conspiracies we've currently got bubbling under; global warming, endangered species, mass immigration projects, human rights / health & safety for everyone and the scrapping of sports days across europe.

These strategies to achieve whatever it is we want - I'm only a silver member and so don't have access to the aim of my brothers & sisters, that's only accessible to gold members and I need to collect another 43,000 loyalty points before I'm upgraded - are determined by a top secret cabal of secretive leaders. Top secret, that is, until now.

American author Ben Shapiro has outed the politburo in his tome "Primetime Propaganda" and, according to his well thought out research, at the head of the table sits Big Bird.

Telling people what to do through their kids is the prime weapon in Big Bird's armour and he (or is it actually a she? Hard to tell) has successfully exported the technique to Blighty.

My own social and political views were cultured in the nurturing garden provided by Geoffrey, Bungle, Zippy and George. Their apparently chaotic and colourful escapades, while seemingly innocent to the casual observer, were in fact secret messages stressing the importance of fiscal and political cohesion through the European Economic Community and encouraging homosexuality for revolutionary purposes.

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Fat Geordie loses job

The Mail's exclusively revealed today that the reason poor old Cheryl Cole lost her job in the States, patronising deluded singing wannabies, wasn't because no one can understand a word she's saying but actually 'cos she's chubby.

Like a chump she'd been working hard on this in the traditional manner of good diet and hard exercising. This offered the paper a delightful opportunity to publish a picture of her all sweaty and flouting a sports bra. Unfortunately it was all for nought, she obviously ran out of time.

Lacking a sports bra!

If only it was two years in the future, she could have popped a pill and Bob's your aunty's live-in famine victim.

Although to be honest I'm not too sure Fiona Macrae knows what she's talking about, she promised the exact same thing would be available in months back in 2007??

Then in 2008 she asks...

A good rule of thumb is that any headline in the Daily Mail that asks a question should be met with a polite but firm NO.

We don't want to encourage them now do we. Tweet

Banksy is back

After reading my own and the DM's critique of his work earlier in the week it seems Banksy has bounced back with some aplomb.

Vandals or tortured genius'?

Please take the time to really study the intricacies of his most recent work an excursion away from his normal stencil format but still a tour-de-force of the medium.

Note if you will the sexy swish put on the tail of the burkah, those toned (some might say popeye-esque) upper arms - no infidel bingo-wings here - and yet the come hither eyes still draw you in.

And what do they draw you into? A bargain that's what. £3.99 for a bikini top that uses three square yards of burlap is a steal, you'd be robbing yourself blind if you didn't buy one. Tweet

Please don't interrupt...

Pity the poor Home secretary she's had a hard day. As anyone who's ever been young and sat on a wall at night knows the police can be complete bastards.

Fancy giving her the silent treatment like a 14 year old in a strop just because they all get paid too much, that's just not on is it? To make things even more humiliating for the fancy-shoe-loving politician she was heckled! This wasn't a stag do at a sweaty comedy club in Walsall, this was the Police federation conference and, while I wouldn't expect a lightening response of rapier wit to deal with the foul mouthed drunk, I think in this case she may have had time to rustle up a memorable response.

PC Rathband didn't leap from his seat and scream incoherent abuse at her. He didn't shout out a clever or salient point that would stop her in her tracks, he didn't even put his hand up and wait to be invited to make his point. No, the officer in question took heckling to a new level - something that may well have put the fear of God into professional comedians the land over.

Having set up his video recorder and television beforehand he had an accomplice lay in wait and poised with his finger hovering over the pause button to unleash the heckle on the poor unsuspecting minister. At the given signal his helper (an experienced supply teacher) wheeled out the TV/Video trolley onto stage, aimed it towards the victim and let loose - after adjusting the tracking.

It's the surprise factor that probably troubled her the most there's no way she could have seen that coming. She should have learnt from this guy. Just wait and something will come to you in the end...

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Clear as mud

Putting up posters of nearly nudey ladies to flog knickers is bad and wrong. David Cameron says so.

"Cameron warned: 'More and more today, sexually provocative images are invading public space – space shared by children.

'In the Tube station, at the bus stop, on the billboard – there’s the creeping sense that we’re sleepwalking to a place where "porn is the norm"."

Unless you do something about it...

 ...and then it's all "nutcase Muslims off on another attack on our way of life" or as the exotic Lee tells us:

Although maybe I'm being unfair. Graffiti is a big bugbear of many many people, it could be the spraypaint job just looks unsightly. It's not very neat, they've missed a bit on the top of the leg and you can clearly still see the left boobie.

The quality of graffiti nowadays is significantly worse than it was in the olden days. I remember when Banksy was raw and his talent shone through and so does the DM. Critiquing street art does not feel like the normal territory of the Mail but they have taken to it like a penguin to Brent crude.

That's quite a roller coaster of issues so, just to check our understanding.

Bare women adverts are bad if you run a country, and complaining about them is normal. Taking action about them is evil makes you a religious nutjob and / or a bad graffiti artist. Graffiti as an art-form isn't what it used to be.

Any questions?

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