With age comes wisdom, and the faint smell of cabbage.

The young have been in the limelight over the past few weeks following the violent riots and the record exam results - on an aside it's funny to think that there were probably no more than 20,000 kids who were involved in the riots and there were around 200,000 kids doing A levels and we're going to change the way the country's managed to suit the criminal minority?

Everybody - including me - has had their say on today's youth; David Cameron thinks they're at the heart of Britain's broken and / or sick society, Nick Clegg reckons orange jumpsuits should be their apparel of non-choice, Ed Milliband reckons we're all as bad as each other from MPs down to burglars, crazy racist historian David Starkey reckons its acting like you've got darker skin than you really have that caused the mayhem and it goes on.

Right wing crazies in the Mail & Telegraph reckon the riots prove them correct; the world's gone to hell and we're only minutes away from a Pol Pot type revolution where anyone who's ever listened to Radio 3 will be slaughtered in their beds. Left wing luvvies in the Guardian & Mirror think the A-level results show the kids are alright it's the bastard bankers stealing our money and shipping it all out to Bermuda that'll leave us freezing to death in December when we can't afford 50p for the gas meter. You pay your money and take your choice, until now.

Finally from the swirling maelstrom of opinion comes a guiding light. A beacon that we can all cling to and learn from the wisdom that spouts forth from this fountain of knowledge. Step forward sage of our time... Joan Collins.

Yes Joan Collins that's right. World famous actress, star of Martini adverts (or was it Cinzano - and more importantly is there a difference?) and former UKIP pin-up has spilled her wisdom out onto the pages of the Daily Mail, and as you've probably already guessed, it turns out to be the unstable rantings of a pre-senile rich old woman who thinks today's children are all evil devils. Even her own grand kids.

Realising that she's witnessed so much wrong, and the world should be told, she's had a little Indian slave girl she keeps in a cupboard write down her observations in blood (Probably) and then has paid a tame publisher to print them in a book for her. This is being serialised in the Daily Mail for people who like Grumpy Old Men on the BBC but think it's observations are too clever, funny or communist.

There's much that peeves her, too much to wade through - she's worse than Grandpa Simpson but one thing she's not too happy about is the culture of instant gratification that's prevalent in today's celebrity world.
Instant fame and popularity for wapping them out is no basis for a career in the entertainment industry, some standards must be upheld. This comes from a woman who's early work was a series of soft porn films written by her mucky sister.

Getting them out was for artistic
reasons and not cos she's a slapper

This culture is having a terrible effect on the evil little rugrats of the world, as she says...

"I pity the poor children of today who are exposed to the nasty adult world of profanity, porn and poverty of thought."


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London riots - the reason why...

Like Columbo after asking "one more thing' or Sherlock Holmes standing up after his third pipe Richie Littlejohn has cut through the smoke of burning furniture and the fog of looting to nail down the root cause of the madness that's engulfed the country over the last few days.

Unfortunately he's hidden this pearl of wisdom in an enigma of random thoughts each purporting to have some vague link to the last one. It's like reading the notes from a nutjob's word association test.

It seems to all stem back to an Ikea opening that went wrong in 2005. This is obvious because it's just down the road from where the fighting kicked off and therefore there must be people who got a bit pushy for a cheap occasional table involved in trying to burn down Tottenham. This angry shopper theory is much more likely than there being a link to the riots that actually occurred in Tottenham in 1985. The riots that were probably attended by the parents of today's looters who told stories about their night of notoriety - their one big night where they mattered and people sat up and paid attention to them.

Or maybe not. Dick explains how it might actually be down to racism - not the BNP type that he hates so much but the Turkish or Albanian on Black racism - brown on black - which shows they're as bad as the BNP themselves. Then he goes on to explain how it's down to unemployment, or really it's benefit scroungers who don't want to work like the upstanding Polish who come over here willing to work and in no way stealing our, erm, shops.

Or it could be flooding deprived areas with money instead of razing them to the ground, or a culture of greed or spiritual poverty or magic for all he knows. He doesn't care what the cause is really, in fact it's an exciting time for him. This is the day he's been waiting for to show the people he's right, we really are going to hell in a handcart.

Sniff these...

What's obvious to most people is that the violence has nothing to do with the shooting of drug dealer Mark Duggan. This incident was the catalyst that many bored and greedy kids were searching for in order to add a little excitement into their empty lives. Lives that normally revolve around getting caned and finding excuses to have beef with other no-marks. People who want to be rich but don't want to start by cooking fries in McDonalds. People who've realised you don't need to? The first night of violence showed that if you took a bit of a risk you could get away with plasma TVs and crap trainers for free; the coppers couldn't keep up with it all. Isn't that what life's about? Taking risks to make cash, everybody has the right to be rich, take what you want - not what you need. Just because you didn't know or care what was happening when you were at school that's no reason you shouldn't be successful. Setting up a small business giving local people what they want - crack or hookers - gets you the cars and cash and you never have to go near a name badge or mop.

The Broadwater farm riots of the 80s were provoked by social inequality, poverty and racism, they were an expression of anger and a desire for revenge against sleights both real and imagined. The riots of 2011 haven't been provoked by anything political or social they're an expression of a desire to have a laugh, be a big man and get whatever you want.

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