Is George Osborne a psychopath?

And by that I don't mean that he murders street kids after enticing them into his hired Lexus with promises of free smack and Polish vodka. I've not found any evidence that he's done this and frankly you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking he's got corpses stashed in a Big Yellow Storage depot in Croydon and holds tea parties with them dressed up as impish Victorian urchins. This is unlikely to have happened.

There's no evidence he's
killed anyone

No, I wonder how his behaviour would contrast with a diagnosed psychopath if they had been delivering the budget speech today.

Psychopathy can be diagnosed utilising a 20 point checklist devised by a Dr. Hare. The 20 traits described include; glib and superficial charm, shallow affect, cunning and manipulativeness, lack of remorse or guilt and juvenile delinquency amongst others.

George's Hookers and Coke youth accounts for the last point but in his selling of the upper tax bracket reduction is there evidence of other, sociopathic, traits?

There's no doubt about about his glib charm, his smarmyness knows little bounds so what about the others?

Imagine if there was a psychopath who was desperate to pay less tax but was in such a position that criminally evading payment would be spotted in an instant, if he was chancellor for instance. Do you not think he'd use his cunning and manipulativeness to make sure that people thought his tax bill was bad for them? Using all his super - psycho powers to get the media on side and drip feed a narrative that him being out of pocket was bad for everyone, rich and poor alike.

Then when it had been kicked through into law he could show a complete lack of remorse by pointing out that it wasn't such a big deal anyway, after all it raised "next to nothing". That next to nothing was in fact one billion pounds, enough to "Provide hope" to 160,000 youngsters according to the Deputy Prime Minister.

Looking through the other dozen or so Psycho traits here I score Mr Osbourne as a conservative 22 points out of Peter Sutcliffe possible 40. Not enough to be a full blown nutjob but maybe a man who has criminal tendencies.

So if he's not mental then the 10% tax cut for Britain's wealthiest must be solely down to self serving greed and the sexually motivated murders are just a hobby.

Disclaimer : George Osborne, wall paper heir and chancellor of the exchequer, does not kill homeless people for sexual kicks. Or for their money.

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Eat Bananas and look buff

As if keeping you regular isn't enough reason to chow down on a cherry or munch on a melon it's a delight to find out that finishing your greens also makes you better looking.

Praise Tescos, could this be the panacea that people who resemble Bulldogs licking piss off a nettle have been waiting for? Is it likely we'll catch Michael Gove filling his face with Brussel sprouts so he doesn't scare children - something you'd think would be a pre-requisite for an Education minister.

"You want me..."

Unfortunately for the world's munters leek and potato soup doesn't lead to a head transplant. What Tamara Cohen tells us is the best you can hope for is a slight change in face colour moving from a pasty hue to a more pleasing shade of skin. Scientists have used a camera that can detect the tiny changes in the colour of your skin after pursuing a healthy diet, changes that render you more pretty.

The Mail then treats us to a before and after photo showing this amazing revelation.

With chips and without chips

Now I know what you're thinking, that's just the same photo with the hue changed in photoshop. Well shame on you, this is science & tech we're discussing here, it says so on the Mail online header. There can be no doubt that this image was taken from that special camera Miss Cohen was banging on about earlier. Thinking differently makes you a science denier like one of those swivel eyed numpties who wear tin foil hats and insist God made Eve out of BBQ ribs or something.

Indeed a quick search of Medline allows you to find the original paper and here there are more revelations. Depending on the type of fruit or vegetable you indulge in you will enjoy a tiny, imperceptible, change in the colour of your skin. Now under normal circumstances this would not be noticeable to the naked eye, but luckily using the same camera as before you get these startling results.

Eat too many tomatoes and the Lycopene lends your appearance a rouge hue;

This is science, right here.

A diet rich in plums leads to a delicate pinkish glow;

Keep carrier bags away from children

And finally the king of fruits; lager. Picked from the thorny Anheuser Bush this tasty berry was a favourite of George Best and lent him his healthy yellow sheen.

Maggie Simpson grows up

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Georgie's happy ending

A little bright economic news for Berkshire's resident perverts, reported in this week's Midweek Observer, as prossies slash their rates.

Rumours this is an initiative proposed by the chancellor - whose seedy hookers & coke youth means he can no longer look his mum in the eye whenever Billie Piper comes on the TV - have been hotly denied.

Lilo Lil suffers deflation

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Proof God doesn't exist

It's been a tough week for atheists, God's been wheeling out his big hitters to gloat over him using all his unworldly power to make a 70 year old man have a memory lapse.

The problem many unbelievers have is that there is just such a glut of evidence in favour of God. Here we have Allah in a tomato...

Proof of life

Jesus in a fish finger...

Funny how you never see God and
Captain Birdseye together.
Makes you think eh?

And I can't find any Jewish images so their religion must just be made up.

Like the Jews, atheists didn't have any evidence for their point of view (aside from all the science stuff that contradicts the rubbish written in religious texts; but that doesn't seem to hold much weight with suicide bombers) until now.

Last night after a long cold walk in the rain I put the fire on to warm up and was confronted by a sign that Darwin himself would have understood as vindication of evolution - clear indication that we're here by chance and have evolved over millions of years into the neurotic angry animals we are today.

I give you fire chimp.

Fire Chimp delivers the truth

Somebody ring the pope the gig's up, he's out of work.

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The sad truth about Whitney Houston's death

Whitney Houston's tragic early death came as a shock. When celebrities die unexpectedly it does jolt you a little, you feel as though you sort of know them just because they're there or there abouts in your life, in the papers, on TV or playing on your car stereo.

For this reason you feel a natural urge to find out what happened, how and why.

Luckily the Daily Mail doesn't let us down and seeks out the facts of a hideous situation, carefully weeding out the lies, disinformation and conspiracies to leave us with the truth distilled and pure so we can start mourning and remembering.

In Whitney's case the horrible truth is what we all feared; it was the drink that got her...

Although this may have been provoked by her secret gay life...

Or if not the pain of not being able to choose the right woman, maybe it was choosing the wrong men...

Whichever it was she knew that things weren't right because she was regularly visiting her doctor...

Or more likely she knew things weren't right because she'd had a premonition and wanted to see Jesus - presumably the son of God, and not the Mexican fella who owns a taco stall near her house...

This really is getting into the realms of the crazy. There's no way Miss Houston predicted her own death, why would she? That's what rising football star Aaron Ramsey is for...

So there you have all the facts you need to know about the tragic demise of a talented singer. Reporting that makes editor Paul Dacre proud informs us that the singer died due to drink and drink & drugs because she was a secret lesbian who was haunted by the toxic men in her life and so knew time was running short due to her doctors visits and religious visions and Premier league goal stats. I feel I can start mourning now the truth is known.

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Fashion victim persecuted

Ed Smith is a man at the end of his tether it seems. His B&B business at Bridgewater farm in Dundry, near Bristol, is under attack. The attack dogs that are about him have come from a place worse than Hades - they've come from the independent planning inspectorate.

His thriving venture into the hotel industry is under threat because he likes swallows. He likes swallows so much he says he raised the roof. Literally, not like some N-Dubz B side where they rant on about Raising da roof, We'll get to da truth, Bangin' dem hoes, Coz I got da flows... or something like that. No he lifted the roof of a barn 75cm so that swallows could nest inside. Unfortunately his farm being in a green belt he needed planning permission to do this and didn't get round to sending the form in or something.

This has made Ed quite angry - so angry in fact he's forgotten all sense of decorum and in his eagerness to pose for a photo fit for "Angry people in local newspapers" he foolishly got dressed in the 70's,left his socks on and chose sandals.

Or maybe his feet have gone blue
with the cold??

Anyway, sartorial ineptitude aside, it appears the proprietor of trip advisor's 67th best B&B in Bristol (out of 81) might not have told the Mail the whole truth.

According to the actual appeal decision report - which Rebecca Seales (The journalist who cut and pasted this piece from the local Bristol paper) could have found by using the internet, yes that's right this thing right here squeezed between the porn - there were numerous infringements including a two and a half meter roof lift that was presumable made for roosting ostriches.

In reality Ed decided to convert the barns into rooms to let out to the tourist hordes of Bristol. He needed to raise the roof and put more windows in the barns because the numbers of agoraphobic dwarves needing lodging in the area didn't cover his costs. Unfortunately he didn't bother with planning permission 'cos that's for squares. Rebels like him don't follow the rules they make them, or break them, or bitch to the local paper when they get caught breaking them.

Are they swallows or ostriches?

However this is one of those laws that only apply to other people - not the comfortable readership of the Mail - this man is a businessman, a wealth creator and an honest tax payer. Unless you believe LipSmacker on Tripadvisor who thinks he fiddles his VAT. So the affronted are out in droves banging on about bureaucratic busybodies sticking their nose into nearly-honest wheeler-dealers money making schemes.

He deserves to be pictured dressed like an over-friendly cub scout leader in a national newspaper because he thought he could get away with doing whatever he wanted in order to make a fast buck. He can't, there are rules to protect the green belt from over development so we don't end up living in a never ending Croydon inspired urban sprawl.

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Daily Mail urges manhunt against black immigrants

Squirrel Nutkin lived in simpler times. Back in his day the worst he had to worry about were angry owls and stylish tails and then it all changed. The greys arrived from the west and ousted the gingers from their position of nutty dominance leaving them freezing their, er, nuts off in the far north or gazing at Harry Rednap's barbecues across the water in the south.

I can see Harry's
bangers from here

If this ethnic cleansing is to be avoided again it's important we heed the Daily Mail's not-racist-at-all rightly scaremongering headline.

Rampage!! Yes Rampage - these new Black squirrels - yeah that's right I said it they're black - are rampaging through this once red and now happily grey and peaceful land.

According to Rob Waugh these feral little beasts have been rampaging through Bedfordshire for a hundred years and have managed to stamp their mark on their home-turf a massive fifty miles in that time. Well no one said rampages had to be fast.

Yes, it is because he is black.

Of course just because it's the Daily Mail and they don't like darkies coming over here and stealing our nuts, living in our trees and expecting acorns to be handed out like candy there's no reason to believe this story has any racist undertones. Obviously were there a similar story about white squirrels there'd be just as much panic and fear and we'd all be charged to keep and eye on the slippery newcomers.

Ahhh isn't she cute?

She's so pretty and looks at herself in the mirror like a person. Ahhh and she doesn't want to get her paws on your nuts or smoke crack in an abandoned magpie nest. Looking at her just makes you feel safer eh? Not like them bad-boy-black squirrels...

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