Daily Mail secretly switches allegiance.

The Leopard changes its spots and believes that Ed Balls has the answers after all!

Balls to Osborne

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Justice for the size six

After all this time has the Independent finally got to the bottom of the horror of the Hillsborough disaster.

There it is. Nike airs are to blame.

In further revelations on page 6 it seems that both the Fukashima and Chernobyl melt downs were due to engineers and technicians refusing to carry out essential maintenance in their pants and vests when they'd forgotten their overalls.

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It's just a co-incidence

Of course there's no way the two stories next to each other on the Daily Telegraph's landing page could be linked is there???

Banks pissing down your back
and telling you it's raining

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Science is hard

I used to particularly hate microbiology when I was doing my A-levels, too much Latin type names that were impossible to remember.

It seems that Laura Donnelly - health correspondent at the Telegraph also struggles.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10042211/Antibiotics-could-cure-40pc-of-chronic-back-pain-patients.html

It should be Helicobacter pylori not Helicopter pylori - which I think is Italian for "Man who drives Chopper."

Maybe they're editing their newspaper on an iPhone and autocorrect is in charge?

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The great global warming scam

The Daily Mail uncovers those dastardly scientists have been pulling the wool over our eyes for years and actually the planet's A/C is set to cool. Don't take their word for it, here's a graph so you know they've got their science shit together.

Irrefutable eh? Look at the "Heavy Black Line" it's close to the edge of the 95% confidence interval. This surely means that - sometime in the future - it'll fall outside of that and we can all start filling up the Land Rover with leaded four star and piping the fumes directly into kitten's lungs. No harm, no foul - the graph says they'll be fine.

Let's think about it though what it's saying in the real world is that there's a 5% chance any data point could fall outside that range. Five points in every hundred will be above or below the light red area.

So how often do we ever see a 5% chance coming off? Perhaps the Daily Mail has some examples...

Hmm every now and again then.

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Small mammal photography competition winner

Taken from today's Independent on-line version.
Nature photography has moved on from cute pictures of gerbils.

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Don't Be Evil

Sneaky tax dodging Google executive Eric Schmidt has been plastering himself all over the press defending his company's anti-social tax avoidance as "Capitalism".

Telegraph

 The Inquirer

Erm Google?

Google's famous motto is "Don't Be Evil" and this is backed up by their code of conduct. They take this quite seriously...

We expect all of our employees and Board members to know and follow the Code. Failure to do so can result in disciplinary action, including termination of employment.

I wonder how he feels holding himself up to Section III Avoiding conflicts of interest where it states...

Would this activity embarrass Google or me if it showed up on the front page of a newspaper or a blog?

While it might not embarrass him - he seems 'dance a little jig' happy with the arrangement - does it embarrass Google? I suppose we'll only know if we see him carrying a cardboard box of family photos and mugs full of pens out of reception escorted by a confused security guard.

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Daily Mail publicises Jesus fellatio blog

As is well known throughout God-bothering-land being fruity is a sin that will end up with you spending eternity in hell and there's nothing you can do about it, until now...

As detailed in MailOnline Reverend Bob Larson can cast out the demon within and leave you dribbling at the sight of Girls Aloud for completely different reasons to what you were used to.

If you really loved him you would.

This is a great story but it appears the Mail's not noticed the origin of the video. Look at the top left hand side - OnKneesforJesus - that's not a slip up. It comes from a cool blog whose owner's bio reads "My life is all about getting on my knees and faithfully servicing Jesus until He comes"

The video itself is piss funny...

I wonder if they'll notice?

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Paul Broun is a bit thick

More worryingly Paul Broun is also a Republican Congressman in Georgia, and worse still he's a qualified medical doctor. A qualification he didn't get off the internet. However the cherry on top of the cake he serves on the Congress committee for Science & Technology.

The reason this is so scary is because of what he said in front of an audience of talking stags - in much the same way Manuel once did in Torquay. Watch the video and ponder how on earth one of the most technological advanced nations in the world can be led by fuckwits like this chump.

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Brass band members now fair game

Populist headline in the Daily Telegraph...

Leaves this poor fella fearing for his safety.

It's open season on
Buglers - get him boys!

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Jim'll Fix it

James Delingpole - the Telegraph's resident bat shit crazy anti-science tin foil hat wearer is standing for parliament. Corby-trouser-press in Leicestershire is the borough that will be retaining his deposit after the by-election.

The constituency, having some fields in it, falls right into JD rant territory and as such he's standing on a ticket of building dry stone walls, or fracking for gas or using windmills to grind wheat or something. I'll be honest I didn't really pay attention. All I know is he's rabidly against coal or nuclear power or something and loves gas, even more than Sid did.

Anyway - whatever madness is in his views - he's taken to the self-publication circuit like a tramp to meths. What tickled me was his attempt at electioneering involving the ubiquitous photo op of  him nibbling the skull of an infant. The woman in the background can obviously see traces of grey matter running down his chin and staining his tank top.

I can feel his intelligence
seeping into my being

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A pineapple named Mohammed

Madness reigns at Reading University's Fresher's fair.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2012/10/04/atheists-kicked-out-of-colleges-organization-fair-due-to-offensive-pineapple-really/

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What does Jesus want?

An eternal question that has puzzled mankind (and Mary Magdalene) for hundreds of years is "What does Jesus want from me?" On the one hand he says love your neighbour and help the poor and on the other hand he threatened to set big angry dogs onto some fella's kids. Retribution Council estate style.

Safer than mocking a certain
other messenger from god

However if there's one thing we can be certain of he didn't want you to pour Chardonnay through a hosepipe stuck up your bum.

Alexandra Broughton - who whines on and on about not being gay - is deeply unhappy that police released details of his drunken bum fun with friends as it's unchristian, so much so that as soon as his lawyer can think of a reason he'll be suing them for laughing at him.

Too late Alex boyo - you said this is against God's law (It's somewhere near the back in the weird bit where the world's ending I assume) and he was watching. He knows what you do when you've got a tube, a copy of Men's health magazine, half a bottle of communion wine and some butter, and he's laughing about it with his mate Budda, in fact all the deities are pissing themselves at you.

Butt Chugger Alex Broughton
regrets God catching him in an
awkward moment

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Got to dash?

Hyperrealistic is not a word used all that often. Realistic is usually sufficient, sometimes super or very or even extremely realistic is required. If something is hyper-realistic then - Lord protect us - it's going to be spookily life like, or maybe more so. May be it looks so much like the thing it's supposed to look like you can't really make out it is.

Whatever it really means it's obviously made an appearance on the MailOnline's adjective of the day desk calendar as there are two stories - separated only by tales of Hitler's love for dandelions and how gypsies want your pensions probably - using the word in their headlines.

However much more important than what it means is how you should spell it. With or without the hyphen?

Anna Edwards believes a dash is just an aberrant waste of ink for the weak and cowardly. Beth Stebner can't understand why on earth you'd allow two Rs to sit next to each other so cosily without invoking some sort of Spanish tongue rolling festival and ending up slavering all over your computer.

But who's right?

Sources close to the editor Paul Dacre say he wants this punctuation shambles sorted fast the only way these issues can be settled. Jelly wrestling.

Currently betfair put Beth odds on favourite at 3/1 because she's forearms like a navvy. However word is that Anna has been searching the publication's archives for tactics and may well have a few tricks up her sleeve. Only time will tell.

Mr Dacre - Blue hat - referees a contest to determine
who used all the milk.

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Defending Kate's honour

How dare they eh? I don't know how they've got the nerve. Fancy printing photos of our future Queen  with her Boobies out. It's disgusting filth is what it is. The French - and by French I mean generally foreign - press ought to be ashamed of themselves taking photos of a lady when she's in a state of undress. It's unseemly.

I tell you what I'm glad to see the Mail agrees with me too. That last bastion of common sense and proportional response has set it's wisest lady journalist to put the record straight.

Right on Suzanne, the disgusting Euro-pervs looking at our Duchesses lovely jubblys is not something we should tolerate. I expect nothing more from your upstanding publication, guardian of our morals. Good on you.


On a completely separate note here's a picture looking up the Duchess of Cambridge's skirt kindly published on the Mail-online's website. Nice arse eh Suzanne? Phwoar!!!

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God goes wild in Oz

It's been a couple of millennium since he last showed his face but at last god's turned up again; and he's obviously pissed.

Like the slow blinking whiffy uncle at a family gathering showing you his one card trick - the one you fathomed as an eight year old and have been explaining how he's been doing it wrong ever since - god's bringing out one of his favourite tools to keep the mortals under control.

Rumour has it he'd been on the lash for two thousand years with Buddha and had moved on from the communion wine to an old bottle of Cointreau he was given one Christmas (Or was it his birthday?) by Thor. He'd been banging for the last 600 years about how outsourcing his vengeance to various freedom fighters and terrorists was one of his worst mistakes. He missed bringing his little lambs up to heaven personally with fire and brimstone and salt and fiery serpents.

The orangey liquor proved too much for him and he set about showing his chubby deity mate how smiting should be done. Unfortunately his aim is out and instead of destroying the sin-laden rat's nest of Chipping Norton as he intended and his booze addled fire finger aimed at the Australian outback.

It's believed he's currently sleeping it off now in a car park in Rhyl and so we'll not be seeing any evidence of his existence for another couple of thousand years, and even then he'll need a cup of coffee and a handful of Panadol before he'll sheepishly set fire to a bush somewhere.

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Mischief

In an ill conceived experiment ( here http://hitchensblog.mailonsunday.co.uk/2012/09/an-expeeriment.html ) Mr Hitchens at the MoS is trying to find out how the Internet works and why the whole of the on-line world is against him.

He's written some quotes that it looks like he'll be searching for to see how the evil monster google and it's chatty bastard son Twitter ignore his "sensible" pronouncements and pounce like a tramp on a sandwich on his more frequent insane statements. He believes these won't make it on-line.

Well here they are, that's his goose cooked :-)

“Peter Hitchens believes that numbers prove plenty. He also thinks that Twitter is an electronic left-wing mob”

"If I say here that “Peter Hitchens says universities should select their students on merit, not in accordance with some egalitarian formula”, will these words find their way on to the web?" Yep they will Peter my angry friend.

"Peter Hitchens says that political correctness has gone too far. If I want to call a lady darling and give her a friendly squeeze on the rump to show my gratitude for her help picking out a fine vintage alcopop then I should should not have to suffer the indignity of being arrested in my own squat."

That last one doesn't seem right. I think my copy & paste function has let me down. Here's a picture taken in a pub to show how sorry I am.

Soz Peter.

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Once in never out

There seems to have been a major misunderstanding at the Mail over the duties and responsibilities of scientists.

Take a look at the remarkable image below of a man being nibbled like a tough chicken satay at an all you can eat buffet. It's a great shot. Now read the accompanying words.

"Off duty scientist"

Really does the Mail think scientists are ever off duty? Do they believe that post 5pm the white coat comes off and irrationality is applied to life's ordeals.

Actually maybe they're right, they have got a photo of a man wrestling with a crocodile and - unless he's graduated from the Giant haystacks college of advanced grappling - that's a daft thing to do.

But no, this is a one off. As any one who's ever looked at a periodic table knows you're never off duty, much like Norman Wisdom on that police film where he had stilts on to be a copper.

The war against ignorance ( and short policemen) never ends.

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Atheist vs Believer brain scans

An interesting story about a study into spiritualism carried out by Brick Johnstone is reported in the Mail's science section.

Brick (named after a favourite part of his parent's garden wall) led a team of researchers at the University of Missouri to investigate exactly where in the brain spirituality resides, commonly known as the God-spot. He compared MRI scans of both devout religious followers and cynical atheists and asked them to ponder on the big important questions affecting us all:

• Why are we here?
• What happens after we die?
• Where are my car keys?

While considering these ageless riddles Brick gazed into their brains to see what was happening. What he found was startling.

Atheists showed some activity around the right parietal lobe but this rapidly fell away as they realised that they just didn't know the answers. The right parietal lobe is associated with several brain functions including self orientation, consideration of others and making shit up. 

Atheist brain activity

However when the same scans were carried out on ardent followers of a religion (and it didn't matter which brand they were) a greater amount of activity was seen in these same lobes. These lobes, the green and blues areas in the scans below, are known to neurologists as the H C Andersen areas and are responsible for manufacturing stories and excuses. In addition to this several lesions were seen in the left hand lobe that are missing in people who don't think Jesus brings presents down their chimney every December.

Believer brain activity

Unfortunately Brick wasn't available to comment on his findings but his wife - Lintel Johnstone, 42 - registered her surprise.
"I can hardly believe he's found the G (God) spot after all these years. It must be down the the support of his team. Normally he just prods about randomly like a blind man using a typewriter."

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The Daily Mail song

Only just come across this Dan & Dan song (Thanks Gren) but thought it was brilliant.

Enjoy...

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